I am such an idiot. I was doing great on my diet plan until yesterday night when my mom sent me on a little chore: go buy some ice cream at Blue Sage. I was committed to not having any ice cream this week until she said that. There was no way on this earth that I was going to be sent on this chore and return with ice cream, then not have any. That would take more discipline than I could muster. That is the definition of torture. So I had some, then I had some cereal, then etc., etc. culminating with four candy bars this morning. Ouch. Dieting seems out this weekend, too, what with birthday/Memorial Day/graduations happening all at once. I used to be a whiz at all this stuff. Now I'm a fat pig with no will power just like everybody else.
Life is a mystery to me. One moment, every little thing is a sacred act, every thought has some extreme significance, and the next life is a colossal joke and I'm the biggest fool of all. One moment I'm contemplating the existence of God, the next, I'm looking at TV Game Show's Most Outrageous Moments. One moment I'm eating four candy bars in a row, the next I'm pondering whether I should have a whole turkey sandwich for lunch, or just half, or obsessing over the sugar content in my cereal.
I'm crazy. My life is in a shambles. Once I was watching Six Feet Under, and some guy said you're going to be 18 forever. I'm beginning to think that is true. All the adults around me seem to be living in a perpetual adolescence: my mom can't seem to stop eating ice cream, plus she hangs out with a guy who's nearly twenty years younger than she is, she doesn't do much housework anymore, just watches a lot of TV, and goes to the movies every Friday; Brian is in his thirties, just finished community college, doesn't have a job, and follows my mom around like a lost puppy; my dad is a total womanizer and can't deal with his emotions; my Aunt Elvia buys things like there's no tomorrow and owns about a million purses; Roy just bought a dream car, but he still lives at his parents' house and earns a teacher's salary; Bobby drinks a lot of beer, is overweight, got dumped by his girlfriend, and laughs at adolescent joke movies on e-mail; Granny is very overweight, and gets excited over Skip-Bo and Thomas Kinkade pictures; Aunt Mary Lou is about as big as a house; Uncle George often acts like a child the way he depends on Aunt Josie all the time.
I guess all this comes under the definition of being human. We all have our weaknesses. It is called self-destructive behavior. Indulgences quell our fears for a while, but eventually they come back. Coping strategies. I am such a retard. I say I don't want to be fat and lazy, but what am I doing at 1:48 pm on a Thursday afternoon? Eating gum drops and writing this stupid blog entry.