OK I failed again. I said I wouldn't binge eat anymore, but it's oh so hard. My mom buys enough food to feed a family of 10, then my sister brings home a tray full of tacos, plus cookies and candy bars and soda. Oh god this is hell. I was doing OK with a turkey sandwich with no cheese, but then I totally lost it with potato chips and cookies a taco and a candy bar and an apple. A piece of cheese. A bag of chips. God, I'm so bad. And I'm lazy. I haven't done a thing around the house in about a month.
I had tests in all three of my classes today. And two of those were in tough subjects. In a way, I hate tests. But I also think being pushed really helps me put my brain in gear. My mind is turning to mush. I just can't get myself motivated without a flame at my butt.
I'm in such a funk. I need to go out and look for a job. That's what I'm going to start doing tomorrow. I'm going to apply at the movie theater, maybe at Wal-Mart, and maybe for some odd jobs like delivering papers or writing. And then there's this research proposal. We'll see if I get accepted into the program.
Today I realized that it's been almost a year since I've had a period. That's really bad. My health has really been taking a turn for the worst. I've been overeating and eating a bunch of junk food to boot. I've been hiding out at home trying to zone out reality and avoid talking about myself or what's really bothering me. I hate everything. I just feel like nothing is really worth doing anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know where my life is going. I don't know who the hell I am anymore.
The best thing to do is just to keep going and not think about it. Don't think about the past, just look forward to the future. Try to make things better. Find something to look forward to. Make a plan and stick to it. Work toward your rewards.