Twenty-four hours is a goddamn awful long amount of time to kill, especially when you have no friends or family to talk to, and you're only at work for three hours a day. What else is there to do? There's the usual- watch TV, chores, exercise, computer, eat junk food, cry, read, and then there's the abnormal- studying, drinking, drugs, incredible overexercising, suicide attempts, wild fantasies, and compulsive behavior, such as binge eating and obsessive hand-washing.
I saw this guy from my English literature class working at the bookstore and I thought about striking up a conversation with him. He seems like the nerdy type of guy I would like. But I didn't because 1. I'm so self-conscious about the way I look right now, and 2. I feel like I'm totally setting myself up for a failure, and 3. I'm scared out of my mind.
Even though I live at home, I feel like I live in some crazy college dorm. Our diet lately has been pizza, potato chips, and fattening desserts. My mom left us at home with forty dollars each to spend while she goes to Vegas with a "friend". My sisters have been inviting friends over whenever they feel like, and going to the mall a lot.
I'm just so disillusioned. The things of the world will make you happy for a while, but then it's like what else is there? What's the higher purpose in life? I don't believe in God anymore. The search for truth, maybe? Truth, too, is relative. Living a "good" life? Then try to define "good". It's all just so confusing. I don't know whether to be a Puritan or a glutton, a saint or a sinner, a tight-ass or a lard-ass. Eventually, I think I'll choose to be a shy little saint again, but right now, I'm just having some major identity issues. Who the hell am I?