A wave of depression hit me this afternoon. I am so sick of having to fix my car. Monday I'm going to have to take the car back to Sam's so they can put the new tire on and and balance all four tires. I practically bit Dad's head off when he dropped the car off at home. I know it's not his fault, but I just wish that my car worked without having to worry about it falling apart every time I drive it.

After that I hid in my room and cried for a while. I don't even know why. I guess I feel like such a failure. I feel like a freeloader at my mother's house, and here I am buying concert tickets left and right. Then there's the whole shyness thing coming back to bite me in the butt. Whenever I'm in a group, I freeze up and can't join the conversation. I wind up in the role of observer, and that's not who I really want to be. I wish I could actually participate and have people listen to me. It seems like I'm an observer in my own life sometimes, like I can't make myself heard. It's something I really need to work on. I just can't stand it anymore.

It was three summers ago this year that I had what most people would call an eating disorder. I would exercise compulsively- every day, in the morning, at night, whenever I could. I never want to go back to that, and yet, here I am, running in place like an idiot in my room at 6:30 pm, just because it makes me feel better about myself. It makes me feel normal, it makes me feel like I am doing something to not get fat and lazy and to get rid of my belly fat and huge thighs. Is this what I do when I feel out of control of my life? Try to perfect my body when all other aspects of life are out of whack?