I tried to take a little break from writing, seeing as I've been writing a lot of self-indulgent drivel as usual. But today I am kind of troubled because my mom is having surgery tomorrow. She is having a hysterectomy. My mom is going to be 50 this year. I am going to be there with her tomorrow, and I hope I can visit her when it is over and take her flowers. I'm going to be staying at home for a couple of days, too, to take care of my sister.
Sometimes I feel so selfish, like all that matters in this world is me and what can I do for me, and how can I get ahead. Sometimes I feel so self-important, like it's really so important that I am in this software engineering class, and that I'm going to have a degree soon. I catch myself being arrogant and self-absorbed and I hate it. I see professors that take themselves too seriously, and I hope that I'll never be like that. It's kind of exciting to think that I could have a cool job one day, and earn respect and make money. But it's also sad and lonely sometimes when I think about leaving my family behind, how much I will end up sacrificing to have this "successful" life. Does it have to be that way, though? Do I have to turn into an arrogant jerk to get the things I want out of life?
I've been reading the Bible a lot lately, and I try to follow what it says, but it is hard to do. The story that is fresh in my mind is the one about the rich young man who asked Jesus what he should do to inherit eternal life, and Jesus told the man to sell all he had and give to the poor and then follow Him. I'm not rushing off to sell everything I have, but it bothers me how important things have become to me, like my apartment and my savings and my tv, books, movies, and magazines, my college education, my looks. It would be hard to give it all up, really hard. How much do the things of this world really matter, when it counts, you know, when we die?