I don't know what I did to my foot but it just got a lot worse. I was coming down the stairs, walking like normal. I even got onto the sidewalk. Then there was like this crunching thing, like my toes were kind of curled up tightly and I had just stepped on them really hard. It hurt so badly. Every step hurt and I limped over to my car and lied down in the back seat.
I can walk still, but very slowly. I managed to hobble over to campus at 3:30.
I'm having popcorn for dinner. Again. Big quiz is coming up tomorrow. I am afraid. I'll probably study all night. OK, until midnight, maybe.
I am starting to feel depressed. I am stressed over my classes, my foot hurts like hell, rent was due today and I didn't pay it, and I feel sad and anxious. I saw a picture of myself taken in January and I look so ugly, like I don't even recognize myself. I am fat. Yuck. I feel really really bad. I am losing sight of God. I feel robotic- I need a heart. Or some courage. You know, like the Wizard of Oz.
Today some guy from Microsoft spoke to our career class. In a way I was in awe, like you know that sounds like an amazing job. I want that job. In another way I was like that is exactly what I don't want to turn into. A corporate drone doing all for the good of the company. And for money. Microsoft has so much money. Money, money, money. Money makes the world go 'round. Monopoly money. Bill Gates alone has enough money to give every person in the world $5. He could pay off the Texas state budget deficit. Bill Gates could give everyone at this university a full-tuition scholarship. Chump change for him.
I've been reading that book What Should I Do With My Life? and I expected it to be about people who have quit the rat race and decided to do something purposeful with their lives. In a way it is, but in a lot of ways not. Rat race = bad, right? The fact is, I can't eat air. I need money. This Microsoft guy seemed cool and likable, but something else- manipulative? Fake? Yeah, that was it. So, on the one hand, I'm thinking how cool it would be to work at Microsoft- no dress code, cool corporate culture, money, more money, benefits, e-mailing Bill Gates, Seattle. But then I think how wrong that is- a huge corporate conglommerate, a job that sucks you in and enslaves you, to be defined by that job. To play politics. Someone make it easy for me.