According to my little blog post counter, I now have 1003 entries on my blog. That's a lot of entries. Four years of blogging, that's kind of insane. I think I ran out of original things to say back in 2003. Just kidding. I really like my little corner of the web. It helps me reflect on things, maybe it's not exactly kottke.org, but I'll keep writing here as long as it still has some value for me.

I'm feeling a lot better this week for some reason. Not so down. I can actually see myself finishing school, I'm making some progress, forcing myself to churn things out even when I don't feel like it. And I am not as worried about finding a job. So much luck is involved. Sometimes you search for months and don't find a job, other times you just get lucky and one falls right in your lap. I guess the truth is that I like the job I have now. My family expects me to get a job using my degree, my dad especially is always asking me about it. I've poked around a bit, looking here and there for the high-tech jobs I'm supposedly qualified for. But I've found nothing, my latest job interview bombed and I wasn't really devastated, I didn't really want that type of job anyway. I guess I don't feel ready for it. There may (soon) come a day where I need/want money badly enough to where I will work my ass off for it and endure the commute and the time demands and the stress and the hours of mental gymnastics and the office politics that come with a professional job. But I am not ready for all of that, I would rather be poor and live at home than endure all that at present. As I have said before, I want to find something that I care about, so much so that I will gladly put up with all that crap in order to get things done.

I think it's just a matter of time and maturity. Given enough time, I think my enthusiasm for science and technology will return, I will remember why it used to interest me and why I chose to study it and I will think of how I can make some kind of contribution to the field. But as of now, I am so burned out on it. A house divided against itself cannot stand. Something like that, well, that's how I feel, divided against myself. One part of me puts on the show, slogs through grad school because it's the right thing to do, goes on job interviews because it is expected of me, the other part of me wants to quit, has wanted to quit for a long time, to do what, I don't know, sit on the couch and watch junk TV, probably. I think I need some down time to think up a new plan instead of jumping into something that I will regret later.