Thursday at 6 p.m. Time to vent, I guess. I am not so depressed about leaving my job. Actually, it is so much less stress not to worry about what time to wake up, constantly thinking, I'd better not be too tired to go to work and perform tonight. I think I'm still in denial a little, thinking that like this Saturday it's back to it. But it's not.

Tomorrow will be my first day at my TA job. It's a day of training. I am nervous. I don't really know what the heck I'm going to be doing. I don't even know what day and time my class the I'm teaching meets. I guess I will have to ask. I'm afraid of looking like this dumb, socially klutzy, incompetent person. In a way I think I will fit in, because, well, I like school. I like the dynamic that develops in a class. And I like writing and hopefully that will show, and maybe it will be fun and interesting and meaningful to help other kids learn to write better.

I've been around the past two days trying to meet with people before school starts: S. and K. and E. and my grandmother. Somehow I never got to have that heart-to-heart chat I really wanted to, the one where I confess my insecurities and try to figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Maybe I need to see a counselor. I don't know. My gosh I am still lonely. Like how can I just say, please help, I need to talk to someone about this. But maybe I don't, maybe I can just suck it up and trudge on and think about it later. Or write about it, I guess.

Maybe I could see myself doing research. Publishing papers or something, conducting studies, trying to discover new knowledge. Maybe. I could see myself traveling around the world or living abroad for a year, just to see what it's like. Writing a book or writing magazine articles, maybe. Working at the paper again? Maybe. Working in a bookstore. Being a bum. I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like my mind is turning to mush and I wonder if the day is going to come and my brain won't engage anymore, it will succumb to stupidity. Am I already succumbing to stupidity?

What will I do on weekends now? OMG. I secretly liked working weekends that way I would have an excuse for having no place to go on weekends. I have to go to work. See, no one can invite me anywhere, even if I were so inclined. Now I'm probably going to be sitting on my butt every weekend, watching everybody else do stuff. Yuck. I guess that was another thing I liked about my job. It was not typical. So many people just do the M-F, 8-5 thing and it is just so damn boring. Friday and Saturday are the only nights you can have fun, let's go out drinking and get drunk and sleep all day. OK. What a boring life. I liked living slightly off from what most people do. Stay up later than most people, do stuff during the day, have fun during the week. I guess it helped that I didn't have any friends.

I have spent way, way too much this month. $80 on books, $30 on pants, $25 on minutes for my phone. Tomorrow $2,000 for tuition, then like $100 or $200 for a parking permit, more on books, about $40 at Wal-Mart so far this month, $10 on a book, $20 on fast food. I was supposed to be trying to conserve money, instead I'm spending it like there's no tomorrow. Maybe to help cheer myself up a little.

It's strange, there are cycles where I feel on top of the world, like people actually care about me, other times I feel like no one cares at all. Ignored. Maybe I haven't been at a truly low point in a while, I still feel like there are a few who actually care what I do, but it goes up and down.

Sometimes I think to myself, I want to fall in love. Other times I think the very best thing I can do for myself is to stay above all that muck. Not climb the mountain only to fall into a deep, dark valley when it ends. I don't want my life to be prosaic. I don't want to be a cliche, you know the woman who wants a career but instead works part-time so she can take care of her kids until they're 18. Maybe there are other, better things to chase after than love--career success, spirituality, helping others. But is it normal to not want a relationship? Not really, I think it's pretty abnormal. Is it possible to be happy alone? I think it is. If it's your calling.