Thursday. Had to go to work tonight. Fairly slow night, despite the million sign-ups I had to enter. I'm tired for some reason, maybe because I did so little today. I watched The Dead Girl. That's a pretty intense movie. Good storytelling and good acting. But sometimes indie films just bother me because they are so weird. It's like they make it a point to show things that mainstream movies don't just because they can. It makes you feel uncomfortable watching it. I kind of have this idea, that mainstream movies make me feel like a weirdo and indie films make me feel like I'm totally normal.

I'm sad. It's like I lost my purpose for living now that I'm out of school. Isn't that sad? But true. I have so much time to think about things. I think about what a failure I am, how I'm not sure what I'm going to do. On Oprah, some actor named Hill asked these juvenile delinquents what their goals were. He said that a lot of times black kids don't see the value of education, how it can fit into their life plan. He said you should look at your life the way an architect looks at a building. And it seems evident enough, but then I look at my own messed-up life and I see that I haven't done that at all. I never really saw education as an investment in the future, as a tool to use to get something done that I really wanted. Maybe I've never really wanted anything badly enough to work at it. I'm very undisciplined, really. In a lot of ways I've thrown out all of my education, not valued it enough. For what? Comfort, for doing something that makes me feel good in the moment. I really don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't have enough goals.

I guess life just disappoints me. Is anyone really happy with their life? I don't understand people who just love life. There are just so many crappy parts of life that I don't get how you can really love your life. Even if you have the happiest moment, the next you can have the worst one. Loneliness is ever-present, monotony, wanderlust, crankiness. People are just evil. Well, a lot of times. And maybe some people can embrace all of that and say they love it all, but I don't. I wouldn't take my own life, but I wouldn't describe being human as an ideal state.

I did a test referenced on kottke.org for how to tell if you are a good liar. According to the test, I am a good liar because I always think about how other people consider me. That is true. I do think about that all the time and I wish that I didn't. I wish I could just be transparent about everything. Maybe I wouldn't be so inhibited then, maybe I would have an easier time making friends. But maybe more than that, I guess what that article was about was that people who don't think like that, who think more in terms of, is this good for me, how does it affect me, that just seems like a much, much healthier way to be. This is something I need to work on.

Lately every time I get down on myself I start praying. I pray for other people, or I thank God for the things I have. And it works. It takes my mind away from all the angst.