So....Sunday night. Finally I don't have to work. I was so relaxed today. What should I do with my time, I don't know. I donated $20 to Glory Reborn. I think I'll start doing that every month. Why not? I thought about books I could buy but here we go again, I have a million books already I need to finish. So let's wait on that for awhile.

I guess I really just want to take a cold hard look at my life and see what's needed. Sometimes I berate myself for ever complaining, since I am so fortunate to have what I have. But not to expect things from your life, to settle for things you don't want, to not admit you're unhappy, that's not being honest. Of course there are things that I want. Of course I have my own sources of pain just like everyone else in the world. If I don't ask for what I want how should I expect to get it?

Loneliness. Being alone. That more than anything else is the source of pain in my life. I really could care less about the other stuff, the failures of grad school, the uncertainty about getting a job. But it just seems to cloud everything I do. My birthday. New Year's spent alone. Not having people at work to talk to. Not having people to go places with. My world is so narrow, so small, it seems. You just want that sense of connection so badly and you don't get it and it can drive a person crazy. I eat to cover it up. I cling to things rather than people. Seeing people who are in love and that is just such a foreign concept to me. What it would be like to be touched. To find someone who just kind of appreciates who I am. And vice-versa. I just don't know how to handle relationships, even at the most basic level. Like that song, "Hold on Loosely", you have to know how to handle people, to hold on but know how to give people their space and that is something I have been extremely bad at. I fear closing in on people, I fear alienating them, and so then I just let them go, don't engage them, and they think I'm a snob, and I never get anywhere. The pains of shyness. I don't trust people.

I have been writing about the miserable two years in grad school and it seems that was the real pain of that time, just feeling unbelievably lonely and disconnected. Feeling so isolated and that I had this horrible, horrible secret I couldn't share with anyone.

And the job thing. A part of me just wants to get a job so I can feel important. I know I can do more than the job I have now. I've mastered it but I can't move on to anything else. I've burned bridges as far as getting a job in programming. I have this writing thing going but sometimes I feel like that would just be settling. Being so loathe to compete that I just kind of go through it and expect there to be a job for me at the end of it. An easy job, a job with lots of vacation time. There are no easy answers to this stuff and I'm not going to make the mistake of taking shortcuts again. But I'm impatient, I mean, I've spent all this time in school, a few years basically drifting, wondering what the hell I was doing. I guess most of all I want things to make sense, I want there to be clear plans, plans clear as day. I'll do A-B-C so I can get to D. It just seems like it's a matter of commitment. Just commit to something, commit to being good at something. Serve something. And right now I am just avoiding all commitments, I don't want to give up my time for something I'm not sure about. I'm just so cynical about the world, the corporate world that chews you up and spits you out, that you give everything to and that gives very little to you in return, esp. in terms of personal satisfaction. But there are things to believe in, you can believe in what you do, you just have to find some kind of meaning in it.

Sometimes I just feel so powerless. I feel like I'm not living my own life. I like being by myself during the day because it creates this environment where I feel like I'm independent and I'm being who I really am without my family around. But then it's like work, here we go again, I do the same job over and over, and I'm not getting anything accomplished by being there. If I said, OK I want to get a better job here, let me do what I can to move up, talk to the right people, etc. Or if I said, I'm really committed to this tech writing program, let me get to know some professors, let me see what skill sets I need to teach or to write grants or whatever. Or if I said I want a job now, let me brush up on my programming skills so I can get a good job. If I did any one of those things it would make all the difference in the world but I don't know which one I want to do. Right now I am choosing not to do any of them, really, I'm kind of engaged with this writing program but I'm also just messing around, a lot of days I just practice the piano and half-heartedly read for class, I write on my blog, I watch movies and don't get much of anything done. I guess I was kind of starting to like this writing thing but a part of me is impatient and just wants a real job now. I was set to wait it out another 18 months or so so I could finish this but 18 months? And then what? I'm pigeon-holed into being an English teacher for the rest of my life? I'm tired of feeling like a child. I'm tired of the job I have now. I have some skills, why can't I just put them to use, take advantage of them in any way I know how? Why can't I at least aim higher, set some goals for myself? I'm just frustrated.

English classes. I like them but at the same time, I'm just like what does all this really matter? Is reading some more Greek philosophy and British writers really going to be valuable down the road? Can't I do that on my own time? I already read a lot of books. Is it really going to help me to define my "world view?" I don't know.

I don't know. I say I want to write but is that ever going to happen? The whole point is you have to believe in what you do. You have to believe it will make some sort of difference. Sometimes I think about going into medicine. At least I'll be able to find a job.



Church today. Pastor Warren going on again about home groups. I like home groups, but another sermon on it? Sometimes I just want to hear once a mention of Jesus. What did Jesus say? How should we live here on earth? I need to hear about grace and mercy and freedom from sin. Sin. So much sin.

Too much free time. Must we work and work and work without end? This is why I should teach. Summers off. But I'd better be serious about it, too. What is it exactly that I should do? How can I serve?