So...Monday night/Tuesday morning. My sister is going to work tomorrow during the day, which means I am going to be pretty much on my own during the day. Sad. And I go to work at night so I probably won't be seeing much of her during the week. Oh well. What can you do? I mean, at least we still live in the same house, not like she lives far away like she used to.

I have got to get some friends. Maybe I'll go back to the YWCA just for the company. Or go to UTEP during the day. Anything, I don't want to go insane.

I have been listening to Pandora a lot lately. Well, late at night anyway. I have a bunch of stations, some of them good, some of them not so much, music for every mood, it's pretty awesome.

Using the Internet for company is not such a great thing.

Happiness is not possible without love.

I don't really like how I've been lately. I feel shallow, I haven't been praying, haven't really cared. Just get through another day as best you can. Sometimes I catch myself saying some really awful things. Sometimes I get so cynical, I get all smug and proud and forget to be kind and forget to be humble. I think about God as an intellectual exercise instead of praying.

I'm lonely. You know when you just feel like no one cares at all? I mean, I went through a super-scary incident on Friday driving on the freeway and my sister called me and that was so thoughtful. But I really don't think anyone knows how freaked out I get driving sometimes. And I have to drive home late at night every single night. I could barely see out the windshield, the cars were all converging in these makeshift lanes and I was so afraid of crashing. Then driving through a huge river of water that went up to the engine. Fording a river in a Honda. God, I was scared. I was scared the car would break down. But it didn't. The roads were slick and the lights were out on the freeway but somehow I made it home. I much prefer driving during the day.

Things like that, that worry me day after day. And just things like being lonely, wondering if I'll ever get married like regular people do, wondering if I'll ever just have friends to hang out, people I can tell my secrets to, people who I like being around. Relationships that mean something to me. Not to discount what I have now, but that would just be neat to have for once in my life. Maybe this is hard for people to get, the sheer desperation. Lately I've been shutting down, where I had been more open and bolder, now I'm just sad and closed-off and shutting down because I just don't see the point. No one cares, no one's going to care. I'm sad and I'm scared, and it's like I should just stay where it's safe. Inward.

Every day you face the uncertainty. Today I read this lecture about rhetoric, the absolute versus the more subjective sciences, and it kind of struck me, I like things to be absolute. Which is why I hate to deal with people, because it's so complicated, and it involves risk and there are no hard and fast rules. But I really need to keep trying, not shut myself off from opportunities to meet people. Find some way to get involved, get my foot in the door somewhere. Even if it's playing cards with my grandmother or anything, even if it's joining a church group. Alone is where I die.

In Blue Like Jazz there's a chapter on loneliness and it's like, when you are lonely you start making up people to talk to. Not that I talk to myself, but I do write in my journal a lot, I even start composing things in my head to write here, almost like I'm talking to a person. And there are blogs I read every day and I start to feel like I know those people. But I don't. This is what loneliness is, this is what happens when you start to get desperate. It helps but it doesn't cure. But nothing cures, not really. In-person human contact is best, though.

What is there to give life meaning? There's work. Then there are things like love and friendship, which are probably more important. But what if you don't feel love? I mean, what if you do sort of but see the people you supposedly love for about an hour a day, and even then you don't really have meaningful conversations with them? What if you are just isolated but not hard-hearted? You should love God, but how do you know God loves you back?

Maybe I should work that much harder, try to deaden my feelings. Sometimes I just think that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you work it doesn't make a difference. I am not that talented, I don't have much to offer, why bother with work. As long as you have money in your pocket, work the least amount you can and then just be selfish and do what you want. But sometimes I think that if I just applied myself I could be one of those career people. I could be a professor or a scientist or a businesswoman. I'm not stupid, I'm not lazy, I could do anything I wanted to. Why do I limit myself? Why do I have so little confidence in my abilities? Why don't I have goals? It's almost like I don't care enough about the world. I don't think I can make a difference in the world. I don't see it as being worthwhile to try to put something new out there. But maybe I should. Maybe I need to figure out what I really care about and what I think is meaningful to do.

I'm tired and I'm afraid I'm giving myself cancer by working nights. Is work worth it? I don't know.

I miss my sister. I was thinking of when we watched Mystic Pizza together and laughed at this one part. I miss having real conversations about things like books and her friends and the memories of our family.