It's raining. Again. I am so sick of this. I'm tired of seeing our backyard flood with water. I'm tired of flash flood warnings.

Anyway, I was just thinking that a year ago today is when I had The Accident. I wrote a whole post about it. Looking back at what I wrote I think I should have spent more time on it. Like really get at how scary the whole thing was for me. Sigh. Writing is hard. It's weird, when something is so etched in your memory and you try to explain it but it doesn't quite get through.

But whatever, probably better not to think too much about it. That's the past, why relive it?

Just not feeling all that great. It's Day 4 of having a cold. My nose is still stuffy, my head hurts, I still feel drowsy.

My thoughts are on school starting next week. I bought a parking permit. $100. Geez, that's a lot of money. And it's mandatory and it's not even the "premium" option, so it's $100 to park out in the boonies basically. That sucks.

You know when you feel like you're just not good enough. You're lost, wondering what the hell you need to do to give your life meaning. Wishing I weren't quite so lonely, that I could talk to someone about this instead of writing it down here.

This has just been a pretty depressing week. I don't know if I can make it in school. I don't even know if I have the motivation for it. I don't know what I want to do with my life. Goals, you know, I've been so bad at setting goals in my life. Is this going to be another dead end? Maybe I should just do my best to convince myself that this is it. Because it very well could be. It's more in line with what I want than, say, CS grad school. But who knows, a year from now, I may think something totally different. I'm giving myself a semester to see if it's worth doing. If not maybe I should just take some more time to reflect, get a full-time job, get some experience in the real world. Maybe a job or career doesn't have to be the be-all and end-all of my existence.

And you know when you are spritually thirsty, when you just feel ugly and selfish, God is angry at me, all I care about is me. Trying to do stuff, trying to prove I'm good enough. Trying to be smart, trying to impress people with the fact that I read a lot, but in the end, what does that matter? What does it matter how smart I am if I'm a rotten person? I look at myself in the mirror and see this rumpled person who needs a haircut and new clothes, who needs to pile on the make-up if she's ever going to look good in the eyes of the world. And it is such a superficial way of looking at things. Inner beauty, that's the key. Being right with God, what else matters, really? If I die tomorrow, what else is going to matter?