So...very early Sunday morning. It rained like crazy earlier. Poured. The day started off dry, I even rinsed off my car a little with the hose, not knowing that the rain would wash away all the dirt a couple of hours later. Then the skies opened up. There was plenty of thunder. I forgot about thunder and how loud and angry-sounding it can be.

I stayed in bed, reading Harry Potter and Madam Secretary and listening to U2 for the millionth time. Yahweh, take this heart and make it rain. That song kills me, it is just so perfect.

Confidence crisis. I feel like I've stayed at home so long I can't see myself anywhere else. I'm trying to remember the times I've felt most vital. One of those times was senior year of college, software engineering project. I was so busy with that project nothing else mattered. I spent quality time with the team, so much time we became like family. I had a purpose, which was to finish that project. I was busy and I was happy. Don't even know if all that time was worth anything. But I felt useful, vital. I felt part of something, the team, I felt like I was making a difference. I kind of felt that way as a TA, too. Like I was actually helping kids learn, the prof I was working with respected me. Except for that one horrible experience it wasn't too bad. Once again felt like my life had some kind of purpose.

Now it's like, spend another hour or two in bed, who cares? I'm just wasting my life. I'm sort of employed, not like I'm getting nothing accomplished at all, I have a job that I like OK, but really, it's not really what I envision for my life, spending 12 hours a day in bed, watching more TV than I should, not really interacting with anyone, briefly going to work but not really getting anything done. Not even really writing anymore. Sometimes I wish I were busy, busy the way I was with that project, so busy I didn't even have time time to contemplate the meaning of what I was doing, whether it was worthwhile or not. Kind of the way high school was, you don't really contemplate it, you just go every single day, whether you like it or not, it fills up the majority of your time. Work for the sake of work. Maybe that's kind of ridiculous, but I guess I just need to figure out what would be worth spending that much time and energy on and then find some project to lose myself in.