Thursday. I woke up to a phone call from the pastor's wife. How did you like the ladies' fellowship meeting on Tuesday? I didn't know what to say, what I wanted to say is that I wished we studied more of the Bible or at least a book or something, but I didn't have the heart to bash the study she put together. That's not really the point of those meetings anyway. The point is fellowship, getting together as women to talk about things, empathy, praying for each other. That's why I came and that's what I got. It's weird how even being the tiniest bit social has ripple effects, I mean, I go there on Tuesday, here I get a phone call that I never would have gotten had I not gone. The pastor's wife seems like a really nice lady and it's good to know her. So there you go, I guess it pays to get out of the house once in a while and not be a recluse.

I get frustrated with my life for the usual reasons. Not enough activity. And my job, well, I wonder about my future with it. I can't think of a satisfactory answer.

I spent a couple of hours in my room reading. Freakonomics and A Death in Belmont, both of which I've wanted to read for a long time and finally got lucky when they were available at the public library. They're both interesting and I'm trying to read both in one week.

I guess I want a fuller life and I'm trying to get that. But I always think of my ideal life somewhere in the future and the present is kind of like a waste, throwaway time before my "real" life gets started. But what is real life, anyway? I guess to me it is synonymous with busy life. Having a place to go everyday, people to interact with. Making money or earning grades at least. But some people do live like this. Working part-time or not at all, living off their spouses or parents or pensions, having to find things to occupy the day. Ladies who golf, housewives who look after their children and home, retirees. It's the good life, "la dolce vita" is the phrase I think of to describe it, well, at least in my situation. I do realize how fortunate I am. This is not a place I want to stay much longer, though. There's much to be said for making one's own way in the world. Having skills to offer that someone will pay for, being able to support yourself, even trying to make some kind of difference in a world gone to hell.

There's the reality of being alone to face. This scares the hell out of me. Come August, my sisters will probably both be gone again. Last year I got pretty depressed when that time came. Who will I have then to talk to, to bug, to rely on? Longer term, what if I came to a point where my family wasn't around- I moved to a new place, or God forbid something happened to my parents? I guess I would be forced to find support outside my family, which is something I've never really had to do. Scary thought.

Food issues. I ordered a book, "French Women Don't Get Fat". I never worried too much about what I ate until I was about 19. After some bad experiences I am now in the same boat as most Americans, which is obsessed with weight. I admit to self-medicating with food. I always think if I could just change my mind-set about food and go back to pre-college days I'd be set and I'd never have to worry about my weight again. Wishful thinking, you can't turn back time. The damage is done, my mind is now poisoned and I will probably always turn to food to deal with stress. This is bad and harmful. This is something I want to change. I remember having some kind of system I used to use in high school, like eat only one sweet thing per day. And I never used to do that food binge thing and feel totally guilty about it afterward. There just was not that weirdness about food that I now have, where I now treat food almost like it is medication and not nourishment. Kind of ironic that I'm much more knowledgable about food now, but I have these self-control issues I never had before, so I have these weight issues now than I never had back then. But I know with some work I can control my diet and lose weight if I want to since I've done it before. Well, we'll see what this book has to say, I probably know most of the stuff it says already, but it may provide some inspiration.