So...Monday. Finally some time and space to blog. Ha. I was just about to head to my room and write in my paper notebook with some nice jazz in the background.

Things are just so pent up. I set up my DVD player in my room just so I could watch movies on my own and escape for awhile. My mom argued with my sister and it was annoying, and my mom also went on one of her cleaning tornado episodes and I knew to stand clear. How to describe how I feel: people are all around. I feel a little less lonely but also less free. Not free to do what I did before which is basically mope around on the Internet all day. But I also listened to music and read and stuff and now I just kind of do whatever everyone else is doing, mostly watch TV.

I need to be busy. I've been busy, I remember times of stress and obligations but those are gone now. But I just need to push myself a little more. I'm not accomplishing anything the way I'm living right now. The sameness of every day. Not having enough to do, getting to the point of rarely even leaving the house. Not meeting new people.

I'm just lonely and the shyness thing won't solve itself. I look at my job and it is just so cut and dried, in a way that's good, in a way it's what I wanted, not to really have to deal with people at all. But I guess that's what's bad about it, too, that I can get away with that and I don't have to push myself to speak up and make my voice heard. I can't really see myself being satisfied with that kind of job in the future, I'm going to need to learn how to get along.

I'm just really confused, I wish I knew what to do. Everyone struggles with the question. But it's like six years of school and I feel like it was all pretty worthless. I know that's not true, but it feels that way because I'm not getting a job in that field. I was stupid. Especially going to grad school, that was really, really stupid. Oh well, too late now. Sometimes I wish I could trade in my diploma and get my money back. I guess I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't gone, I wouldn't have gotten to work at the paper, I'd probably be working in some software engineering job. I was thinking, though, that everyone eventually gets where they need to be. Like either way I would be looking somewhere else for a career I'd find more interesting, at school or at a job, so either way I probably would have ended up at this point, disgruntled and wanting to do something else with my life.