So tired. Went to class, straight to work, stayed longer than I usually do at work. Sleepy. I have a presentation due Wednesday. Now I remember how much work school can be. And I'm only taking one class! I have a feeling the presentation is not going to be pretty. Apparently I'm the only one who has read the assignment. And I don't get it, it's pretty dense stuff, I think I need to delve into it a third or fourth time before I could give a presentation on it.

I didn't even eat dinner. I had PB crackers and a bag of pretzels. Oh well.

I'm tired but there's no way I could go to sleep now. And there's no way I can read any more than I already have today. I need at least an hour to unwind.

I bought this CD "Hopes and Fears" by Keane and I really like it. It's kind of lightweight and poppy, mood music that plays on your emotions in a good way. I wanted to buy the new John Mayer CD. John Mayer, you say, that's so cliched, only 12-year-old girls buy that because they think he is so cute. But I happen to like his lyrics a lot, I think he is sort of a voice for my generation. But I wouldn't really shout it in the streets, I'm sort of embarrassed to admit it. And I really don't get why they play his music on the radio. "Your Body is a Wonderland" should never, ever be heard on the radio.

I've quit reading blogs for a week or so. I write on my own but don't read others. I guess it gets to a point where you can't be original if you are so into reading other people's stuff. But I will probably get back into the habit in a little while.

The people in my class are really interesting. These people know how to talk, how to express themselves well, whereas CS people, well, some do, some don't. They know a lot about things like history and English and languages. And since I know so little, I'm kind of in awe of that. I'm conflicted on whether I belong there or not. In a way it is incredibly interesting to me to think about things like philosophy and the meaning of language. I've never been exposed to writings like these, Aristotle, Grimke, Nietzsche, things about post-modernism. Everything amazes me. But a part of me prefers hard science, numbers, things that are absolutely true or false. Part of me thinks that, well, maybe I don't want or need to be doing this. I like writing, I mean, I like blogging, I like journalism, but the thing about writing is that I'm very, very self-conscious about it. Writing is a soft science, sometimes you just plug away at something and never find the right words. Then there's research, long hours at the library looking up references and that is something I don't want to go through again. It's hard work and I don't know if the motivation is there right now. And I don't know if I should be in school at all. I mean, I like learning new things, I like being around smart and interesting people, but I am so tired of school. Profs and exams and lectures, grades, parking, being poor, group projects, homework and papers to write. Maybe for now I should just work and save some money. That's what most people do. Work. And work. And work. On the side you can find time to be intellectual and read books and all that stuff. I guess the real problem is that I don't know what I want to do. Stay at the paper? Work nights for a couple more years? Quit at the paper and do something else? What other thing could I do, though? I could stay on with school, get a college teaching position or something, but that would be at least a year down the road. More school. Sigh. I could get some kind of job, I've even thought of teaching high school. OMG. What a nightmare, but I've given it some thought. I could try something like journalism. I could get a Ph.D. in something like psychology. I could even try being a computer programmer (gasp). My thoughts are still all over the map on this issue, as you can see. Here's my fear of commitment coming into play. I don't want to commit to anything. I've committed to the paper for a while. But is that a calling? Is that forever and ever or is it just, two years, it was fun, on to something else? I don't know. I feel aimless and like I'm not getting anywhere. But I'm not miserable, I mean, I still live at home in comfort, I have a job, so some money is coming in at least, I like my job for the most part, though there are some undesirable aspects, and I have free time to do things like take this class and write and watch TV. I guess I don't really even want that commitment right now, I don't want that 50-hour-a-week job where you get up every morning tired and face the commute, where there's always so much to do that you never catch up, where office politics are evil. I always swore I didn't want that, and here I have managed to avoid that, for a few years, anyway, which I think is good, despite the fact that I'm poor and don't have health insurance, job stability is pretty nonexistent, no retirement plan, and I'm still living at home with Mom. I guess I just see my parents who work and work and it is so much drudgery, I see my classmates who work and take care of kids and have no time for anything, who look tired and stressed to the max and I'm like, so what if I'm not bringing home the bucks, at least I'm free to do what I want. What I value most is being happy and satisfied with life, finding a job that you can live with, that suits you and is at least somewhat meaningful to you, even if it doesn't pay too much. And right now I'm figuring out what that is.