So it's noon and I go to my interview in 3 1/2 hours. I'm so nervous. Maybe I should just give this up. Something doesn't seem quite right about it. I'm frustrated with myself b/c I can't decide what I should be doing with my life. I make a big show about trying to follow God's will for my life, but what is that, exactly? What if it's all a matter of arbitrariness, just picking and choosing, but there's no right or wrong way? I guess it comes back to the problem of not setting goals for my life. I always have this attitude that I'm just floating along. Other people do things with the intent that it will lead to other things. I've spent two years at the paper. And I really didn't see it as leading up to anything. Not like I really saw the natural end of it being a FT job as a reporter or copy editor or anything. I just did it b/c I liked it and it paid the bills.

Same deal with school, though. I never really knew what I wanted to get out of it. A job as a technical writer, I guess. But two years of schooling to get that job? It was a practical thing in a way, but in a way maybe school is a comfort zone for me and I wanted to do something I enjoyed and just not feel like such a degenerate, I guess.

But at least that was more goal-oriented than my CS degree or my CS master's. Those were truly cases of me just going through the motions of doing things with no goal in sight. Doing things just to do them.

With me I just hate playing games. I hate doing things just so they'll look good on your resume. I hate interviews. I hate networking. I really don't care about money. I know I can live without money because I've been doing exactly that for the past two years. Living on a shoestring.

In a way it's good that I've had to make this decision because it forces me to think about these things. Like what's really important? Action or contemplation? Why did I get all this education? Is it all wasted if I don't end up using it? Do I really fit into the idea of this American middle-class lifestyle? Honestly, I care about money to the extent that I'm comfortable, that I'm not worried that I'll be in debt forever if I get sick, that I have a decent car, a decent place to live, food on the table, the occasional luxury. I don't really care about much beyond that. I don't have kids, thank God. I don't care about showing off to other people, don't care about having the latest gadgetry and whatnot.

Honestly if this job were not being offered I wouldn't have gone looking for it. I would have been perfectly content to do what I originally planned to do which was to go to school and teach for a year then go on to get a teaching or writing job. (Writing job? Are there any of those out there?) But I guess even as I accepted that job I had this little kernel of doubt, this sadness at leaving the paper, this regret that I left things unexplored there. And then this happens, seemingly the answer to my prayers. And it seems interesting and exciting and all that, but then there's the fact that if I get this job I will in effect be married to it. I'll be there all day, be tired and grumpy when I get home, no more long vacations, no chance of quitting for the foreseeable future.

But teaching just seems so....not exciting? It just seems like it's an OK job but maybe not a very ambitious one? I keep coming back to those stats about why women get paid less than men. I don't want to be a weenie and just settle for a teaching job because it's easy to get and because I like the vacation time. I could be out there in the real world doing something really exciting.

I guess I always say that my real passion is writing. It's like the one thing I never get tired of. But how to turn that into a career? With a job at the paper I could be working with copy, which I like. I don't detest doing code, either, even if I'm not the world's best programmer. I could be deciding on content for the online version of the paper, which sounds cool, too.

Teaching would be...teaching people how to write. I could also freelance on the side. So I would get to write. And I'd have more time to read, too, which is always good.

Then there's technical writing. Which I could definitely do but I think that actually sounds like the least appealing option to me right now. Writing VCR manuals? Long hours? And it's not like there are tons of tech writing jobs out there.

I don't know...it's like I want this job in theory but when I find myself having to get up at 5 a.m. every morning I don't know how I'll feel about it. But when I have someone offering it to me, dangling it out there as a tangible possibility, I don't know how I can turn it down. It's just like the best feeling in the world to have people say, you are exactly what we are looking for. We want you to come work for us. To be on the forefront of something. And then to turn it down for a ho-hum teaching job?

I have tried in vain to take the long view of this. Where can I see myself a few years down the road? What will it be like? Which road will I regret not taking?

And then there's the issue of me finally getting on my own two feet and supporting myself. I'm so glad I'm not in the position of desperation. But wouldn't it be nice to be able to really support myself, have my own place, my own life, really? Right now I feel like I'm just being dragged around, still very much a dependent.

School can only teach you so much. Isn't the purpose of school so you can get a job? Not like I was so looking forward to classes on grant writing, writing book reviews, and writing another thesis.

I guess I've never been that comfortable with the idea of a career. It just seems so boring to me. Stay at one place for years and years, just to look forward to retirement? Do the same old thing day after day, year after year? But you move on from one thing to another, and I think the chance of doing that would be greater at the paper. I could do all sorts of different things.

Some of the nicest people I've ever met have been at the paper. Really cool, funny, kind, interesting people. Good people to see at parties. It's not a bad place to work. If I weren't in school I'd jump at the chance to work there.

I think I will just go to the interview, see what kind of vibe I get and then decide. Find out how much they're willing to pay me and then see if I can fathom turning it down.