Warning: Major Angst Ahead. I am unemployed and living at home. It's somewhat excusable since I am still in school, but I still feel like a combo between a bum and a bored housewife. I hate being home during the day. I feel so unproductive spending the entire day watching TV, doing household chores, and playing solitaire on the computer. My family gets home from whatever they're doing and I want to rid myself of my frustrations, I want to go out and do something, and they are tired and busy. I charged almost a thousand dollars on my credit card this month. Geez, that hurts to pay especially since I have no money coming in. In three weeks I'll probably start looking for a real job so I can start putting something away for after I graduate. I don't know what to do with myself. I could be doing something better and different. Instead I watch Dr. Phil and live vicariously through other people.
I feel really disgusted with myself and I wish I didn't. I wish I had some kind of confidence. But no. Sometimes I feel like I exist to serve and accomodate others. Some days I wish I had my own family, like a husband and kids to take care of, so I would have something to do at all times. That lasts about two seconds, actually, then I think about the reality of that. I'm almost 21, but I still feel like a teenager.
In a way I do not want to get a job. I don't want to be torn down and evaluated, I don't want to deal with co-workers, I don't want to spend hours a day doing something I don't care about. Despite what I said above, I don't have a desperate need for the money, I don't have eight kids and a mortgage payment, I don't even have student loans. But I feel like it is something I should do instead being idle 24 hours a day, shamelessly living off my parents. I have small expenses that add up over time to nearly $200 a month. My car is breaking down. I want to be able to go to the movies and out to eat once in a while, too. And textbooks are damn expensive. I am going to graduate and I am so eager to get out there in the world, doing something important, working in a real office for real money. Some day I will read this and laugh at how young and stupid I was. Stupid, you got to work to live. Did you forget about that? And you didn't do anything in college to prepare you, zooming through in 3 and one half years without a thought to what you would do after you got that damn piece of paper. You get to the job and realize you don't know anything. Or you take a year to get a job, and send out 200 resumes and don't get a single callback.