Mid-afternoon and I am listening to music and surfing the web and otherwise being lazy. My room is a giant mess, but I don't really care. I want to get a new bed frame and a new lamp and a bookshelf. I don't know how I got so much stuff. I feel bad about throwing out stuff, especially things that people have given me as gifts, even if I don't use them. Little porcelain jewelry boxes, heart-shaped velvet chocolate boxes, cards from years past. Toys, games, books, etc., etc., etc. I managed to get by with so little in my apartment, and now it seems like an overabundance of things that are beautiful but not functional that I have to store somehow. I feel weighted down by these things, like I *have* to keep them. I know that this is actually a good problem to have, not like poor kids with one pair of clothes and who can't afford shoes who have real problems.
My sister is being nice to me. We talked for a while last night and she invited me to see X-Men 2 this afternoon. Sometimes she surprises me.
I am feeling like I want to experience some kind of feeling, like the kind you get when you watch a really good drama. Love and sadness. Exhiliration. Yes.
I am torn between wanting to be a "responsible" person and wanting to spend the whole summer sleeping late and watching daytime TV. I should exercise and not eat like a pig and not fill my head with garbage. I should earn some money and prepare for the future. I should try to meet new people. Yeah, I should, but will I?
Last summer was dedicated to decadence. I gained so much weight because all I would do was sit around the house and eat. I started the summer at a size 6. By the end of the summer I was pushing a size 14.