Hey people. Today was another long day, and supposedly Wednesday is supposed to be one of my shorter days at school. But I spent like three hours working on a group project. I wasn't into it. Sometimes I feel like I have the "system" down to the point where I don't even have to try in any of my classes. I guess after last semester and those unbelievably hard classes, the classes I have now seem like a walk in the park. But there is danger in that attitude. I'm getting lazy, and it's going to catch up with me. Discipline is the word that comes to mind...

I don't know why writing in a blog that is read by few if any people most of the time helps me feel connected to the world, but it does. I feel like I'm part of something, like the collective mind of the world. Once in a while, when I'm bored, I will go to a blog and hit the next blog link, read it and go to the next, over and over again, and it is really exhilarating. It is like going from one person's mind to another. And somehow that makes me feel less alone, too. It's just so rare in real life that I share part of my mind with another person, and that I feel I am doing it authentically and not putting up a front. And that's what I do here. Maybe it is sad that I'm so lonely in my real life, but that's how it is.

Blog therapy, you might say. I've been to real life therapy and blog therapy is cheaper and in a lot of ways better than real. I once went to a therapist who was about 60 and she just kept telling me to get a job and stop complaining. Not in those exact words, but close. And bloggers, well, they just seem to understand better the particular type of angst that I have in my life. If a therapist would spend 15 minutes reading my blog they'd get a better sense of who I was than in five hours doing weekly therapy sessions. You go to therapists and say, fix me, but that is ridiculous because they don't live your life every day, they don't understand where you've been and what you've done, they're sitting there listening to you because they're getting paid. And they generalize, they think you're just like everyone else and that you do things for the same reasons that other people do them, when maybe you don't. Two out of the three therapists I've been to has told me to take antidepressants. When I say no, they think I'm being difficult, but I guess it is just that I know that's not going to solve all the problems I have, maybe just make me feel happier about them, but they won't go away. I don't want to live my life on happy pills. I won't knock those pills for people who are clinically depressed, but I am not one of those people, I am just someone who is a little on the depressed side but not all the way over. And that's the way it has been for years, really, and I suspect that's how it is for everyone. A little on the depressed side but not all the way over. I get out of bed, I exercise, I take a shower and brush my teeth. I watch Regis and Kelly if I have the time and inclination. I do some work, or I slack off and make excuses, I go home and watch three hours of TV and go to sleep. I wouldn't say that this is the life of a person who is depressed. Could I be happier? I guess. If I had my dream job, if I had more free time, if I met the right person, if I had a better social life, if I had a better spiritual life, I guess I could be happier. But who knows, maybe I wouldn't be. I would probably end up stuck in the same old semi-depressed rut. I guess I'm saying that I'm not really depressed if I can get out of bed every morning and deal with everything I have to deal with. There is nothing wrong with me, I'm the model of health, physically and mentally. I have everything I need, I'm well-fed, well-clothed, roof over my head, I have a supportive family. I'm well-educated, I have the resources of the entire Internet at my fingertips, I even have a job, what the hell more is there that I could want or need out of life? God himself to step down from heaven and tell me the secrets of eternal happiness? I'm really starting to feel silly writing this. But I do feel better. And thanks to the people of Blogger, I don't have to pay a therapist.