It has been a frustrating day. I didn't turn in my messenger assignment because, frankly, it didn't work. I have been getting linker errors since yesterday that have prevented me from doing a normal editing job. So I have the window and the TCP/IP connection cut and pasted together in one program, with multithreading going on. So I assumed that it was working but now I'm questioning whether I did the right thing.
A big part of the problem is that I am afraid to ask anyone about it. There's this girl in my class I used to be friends with, but it's weird that now she won't even say hi or anything to me. It would be awkward for me to ask her if I could copy her program. It's pretty annoying to hear her talk about the program through the entire class with her other friend, while I'm sitting right there with no clue on how to do this thing.
The professor is German, and he fits that stereotype of German people, very abrupt and authoritative. I was afraid to ask him about it because I thought I would look really stupid. I skipped class the day he lectured on networking. I feel like an idiot right now. I feel like crying. I don't know what I'm going to do about this, turn it in late, don't turn it in at all, drop out of the class? I think it was a difficult enough assignment that most people in the class had some trouble with it. Still, I can't just not turn it in, even if I get like a 50 on it, I need a grade.
I just want to be alone. At times, when I lived at my apartment, I would have done anything just to come home and feel taken care of and have people around to talk to. But now I feel kind of stifled. Everything is taken care of, which leaves me with less incentive to do actual work, and having people at home to talk to makes me less inclined to talk to people at school.
There's this guy in my research class I've known since freshman year. The first day of class I sat down right behind him. Today I came in to class about five minutes early and he was the only one in there. I said "hi" and plunked my stuff down in my seat, then left to get a drink of water to avoid a potentially awkward situation. I always feel weird being friendly to MOTOS, like they will think I'm hitting on them or something. I would not want him to think that, I know that he has a girlfriend, and besides, it would be futile because he doesn't think of me like that. How do I know? I just do, because I think if there were some inkling of attraction on his part, then he would try to talk to me or something. Instead, he's like, well, there are all these kids around here for summer programs, and I was like, yeah. Literally. Then he asked me if the water fountain was working and I said yes.
Then this other really attractive guy in that class was looking at books at the Union book sale, and I was on the other side of the bookshelf! I nearly died because, well, there was my chance, and I blew it. I actually think that guy is totally hot and he seems pretty smart, too. And we have at least one thing in common, right? Once again, I am so afraid. I look at myself and think, you are ugly, no one would think you are pretty or smart or fun. I don't want to face rejection and feeling awful. I feel pretty lousy right now anyway.