I got all emotional listening to some classical guitar music this morning. I hadn't heard anything so beautiful in a long time. I'm constantly surrounded by music, on the TV blaring, Top 40 radio playing the same five tunes while I'm driving, but something about this music hit me inside. Maybe because I used to play classical guitar for awhile and it reminds me of how my guitar teacher played. Or because I was really listening to it and letting it affect me instead of letting it be background music.

Another day. I feel like such a loser. Still wondering what I'm going to do job-wise. Clueless about what to do about my non-existent social life. I should be writing like mad for my thesis. I've done a little more work, but not nearly enough. This, people, is what you call angst. Things are OK, everything is taken care of, my life has settled down to a manageable level of stress and yet. I can't get off my duff long enough to do anything. Go to bed at 1:30 and get up at 10. When I'm not in class or at work or watching Lost, I sit at the computer and alternate writing parts of my thesis project and reading websites like kottke.org. I need to get back into the real world, have a conversation with someone who is not my mom. Make eye contact with a person instead of with a computer. Sometimes I think the best thing for me would be to move out on my own. Maybe then I could have my own life, live as an adult with responsibilities instead of like a kid in high school.

I haven't felt like I've done a good job at anything lately. I'm OK at my job, I suck at school but I'm still doing it, I'm fulfilling my duties as a daughter but don't help out as much as I should at home, I'm too shy and most of the time duck out without even attempting to talk to anyone at school or work. I just haven't had that feeling of success, no matter how minor, even if it is just a "Good job" or something.

I know this is depressing and repetitive. Yeah. And all I ever write about or care about is me, me, me. So change it. I know, I know, I KNOW. I hear the advice in my head about fifty times a day. I'm just discouraged, feel like I'm living in some kind of place where things I do don't matter, I don't matter, it doesn't really matter whether I'm happy with my life or not, I'm like a tree, I'm surviving.