Another day. I have a sinus headache. I went to the bank to deposit some money, then to the store to buy Coca-Cola, fruit, and milk. Yay for Coke 12-packs, 4 for $10.

Anyway, so I am trying to be semi-productive. Trying to get things in order. I checked out a stack of books about choosing a career. "What do you like to do?" "What skills do you like using most?" "Where can you see yourself?" "What kind of person do you want to be?" I get to those questions and I am honestly stumped. I used to have some ideas but now all I can think of is how much everything sucks. I think of all the interviews I went on in the past few months. Truth is, I didn't really want any of those jobs. Not really. I mean, I wanted money, I wanted respectability, I wanted to have something to do and somewhere to go during the day so that I wouldn't feel like a bum. But I didn't really want to develop software or program in C and SQL or work on computer security problems.

I'm thinking that I have to work on my people skills. I guess it all kind of boils down to that, why I see my life as such a failure. Why I have been so unsuccessful, why I feel so dissatisfied with everything. It's hard to deal with, so much easier to just surrender to it, say nothing, be nothing, do nothing.

I don't know, it's all a big mess in my head. I know I'm not the only one who deals with this stuff. Life is tough and unfair and I know I'm lucky to have options but I feel like I'm running out of them. I'm so disillusioned. I've seen enough of the "working world", and I guess my problem is that I don't want to deal with any of it. I don't want to go work in a cubicle everyday and have constant pressure and stress and have no meaning in any of it. I don't want to deal with a jerk of a boss and jerks of co-workers. I don't want to work long hours, for what, the hopes of more money? I want to believe that there is meaningful work out there, work that is not evil, work that I like doing and that pays well enough so that I don't end up in the poorhouse. I really, really want to believe that, but I don't know if that even exists. I don't even know what my definition of "meaningful work" is. I used to want to be a writer, but I don't even think I want to do that anymore. I don't have a damn thing to say about anything anymore. I used to maybe want to become some sort of scientist, but right now I feel like I could never go back to school ever again. As long as I freakin' live. There's other stuff I could do, I suppose, but what? Mostly I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. People are all such jerks, you know? Real mature, I know, but I'm at such a loss here, and I don't want to try to go after some other job that I don't even want, just for the sake of having a full-time job, when I can get by living at home and working part-time. I guess eventually I will have to face reality and will have to deal with all the crap that I don't want to deal with right now. I'll have to capitulate to reality and put in my time and render to Caesar, blah, blah. It's not even just not knowing what to choose, it's more just being disillusioned and feeling like I'm going to be a failure no matter what I do, that I'm going to be unhappy no matter what. Things that I used to be interested in don't hold that same magic for me. I don't even want to try for anything, it's all just a giant mess and I don't know how to snap out of it.