The past few days have been weird. So there was the lackluster New Year's. And then on Sunday I had a PMS-influenced meltdown. I hate when people ask me about my plans for the future. That was the trigger. I was starting to feel OK about things, OK with keeping a part-time job while I try to figure some stuff out when I know like I could be doing something better, or I should be doing something better anyway. People ask me what my plans are and I get very emotional about it. Like they are confronting me about it, even though they are just being curious or just trying to help. It brings back all the confusion of the past few months. It's just a question, it seems most people have an answer but I do not.

I heard my mom chatting to her friends on the phone about the status of my life and it's like, well, she graduated and she works at the paper. The end. I wish it all made sense, that I had graduated and landed a great high-paying job that I was really excited about. But that didn't happen. Instead I'm going through this weird numbness, and who knows how long it will last? I have nothing and I am a failure.

What about money? I don't make enough to live on. I make enough to pay the few bills that I have, but I still have to rely on my parents. I'm going to have to face the world as a poor person. It's scary to have nothing but this skimpy medical insurance that will pay for a disaster but won't pay for me to go to the doctor for a check-up. That freaks me out, it makes me want to run out and get a job like the one I turned down, even if I think I will hate it.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I want to do. I know I can't go another day feeling like a fraud. I can't go through another job interview feeling the way that I felt the last few months, where I am not even serious about it and have not bothered to prepare for it.

It's not just indecision, it is basically having no confidence in myself. Having no connections, having extremely poor social skills, having no direction as to what I could do or what I want to do. Feeling like the world has seen what I have to offer and that it is not good enough. It is having no drive, no motivation, no ambition. Basically, I am in a bad place. I'm lucky to have good parents who will not kick me out of the house. Maybe they should, maybe then I would just pick something out of necessity and not go through this stupidity, or go through it later on in life. I don't know. So there it is, people, my angst, in condensed form.