This thing is so stupid. I use it to air out my feelings but it doesn't help sometimes. Sometimes I am hopeful and optimistic but other times I can't see an end in sight.
I really don't want to be fat for the rest of my life. Is eating cookies and drinking soda really worth it in the long run? I feel unattractive plus I'm heading toward health problems in the future. Once in a while I'll try to eat healthy and exercise in an effort to lose weight but there has not been the commitment I once had. I honestly believe that one day I will be ready to do this. It sounds like procrastination, but I really do believe that. I've done it before.
I will go a day or two eating the minimum and exercising at least 30 minutes, then I will go back to buying a box of cookies and a pint of Ben and Jerry's, or order a huge plate of food for lunch, or eating everything in the cupboard.
There is only one thing that is effective for me, or anyone, barring drastic chemical or surgical means, to lose weight, and that thing is discipline. It's passing up that pizza, those candy bars, that soda, and eating good, healthy food. It's getting up every morning to exercise.
I think after a point of doing it I get freaked out because I feel like I'm starving myself. Like today I went jogging and I was so hungry for lunch and all I had was this little sandwich, a few chips and half a can of Coke. I was like, am I eating enough? I felt full enough, but I was still afraid. One day isn't going to make you malnourished, but still, there is a sensible diet and then there's a freakishly controlled diet. So you see, this is why I don't feel like I'm ready to start some kind of diet program. And exercise- there's good exercise that will keep you healthy and there's crazy freakish exercise that will hurt you in the long run. I have visions of how I was, like when I was like a pile of bones and I was still jogging like crazy, or when I didn't eat any protein at all, no dairy, no fruit, no fat, no sugar. That scares me. So I go back to double stuff oreos and dr pepper. But now I think that is more like binge eating than anything else. I eat very little then eat a lot. It's better to be more stable, like eating the same amount every day, and staying at the same average weight. Right now I'm going up in weight little by little, though I'm still wearing the same pant size I did two months ago.
I don't think it's a good thing to look at food as an enemy, or to classify certain foods as bad. There are people starving in the world right now. It's ridiculous to starve yourself when there's food all around you. When I starved myself, when I finally came around, I was just like, you know, if you're hungry, just eat. If you want to eat this, why don't you? Don't be like, I can't eat this, or I won't eat this, it's just food. Granted, there are certain foods with more nutritional value than others, but don't deny yourself a full life. What kind of life is it if all you eat is rice and beans, dry salad, and dry potatoes? I guess by reading this blog you can probably tell that food is very important to me. It is. The experience that I had just makes food all the more enjoyable. Eating tends to bring out the emotions, the memories of that time. There is something so liberating about thinking that I live in the 21st century and have pretty much unlimited food choices. I am happier now that I enjoy eating. I have seen pictures of people who are starving. They don't look happy. They look sick, they look sad. Extremely fat people are often unhappy also, but not like starving people. Starvation does crazy things to your body and your brain. Starvation = death. Maybe the best thing I could do is forget about food and get caught up in something else. Most of the time it doesn't work because I think that humans are programmed to constantly think about food, as a survival instinct. I remember I used to beat myself up for thinking about food, like it was a sign of weakness, but I was wrong to do that. I wouldn't eat until I was ravenously hungry, then of course I would limit my portion sizes to something ridiculously small. I was a horrible control freak.
Eating as much as you want is fun. Starvation is not fun. Discipline is not fun. I guess being fat is not fun, either. *Sigh* and the struggle continues.