I'm really starting to miss my sister. She's in Ethiopia for five weeks on a mission trip. I feel like something's been "off" in the past week or so, and that's it.

I finally got my tire crisis resolved today. My car drives better than it has in a long time.

I baby-sat for my second cousin today. He is so adorable. I love to see him make faces. He makes the "angry" face and the "happy" face, and then to see him laugh is just so cute. His hair is light brown, and in the light you can see pieces of blond mixed in.

I also just went to my first Italian class. It was really interesting, really fun. There are about ten people in the class, nine girls and one guy. We went through the vowel and consonant sounds today and learned useful phrases such as "I want a beer" (vorrei una birra). Now I really want to go to Italy.

Not much happened today. I went to church, listened to the sermon. We had lunch at The Pastry Chef. I didn't get any pastries, though :=<.

A wave of depression hit me this afternoon. I am so sick of having to fix my car. Monday I'm going to have to take the car back to Sam's so they can put the new tire on and and balance all four tires. I practically bit Dad's head off when he dropped the car off at home. I know it's not his fault, but I just wish that my car worked without having to worry about it falling apart every time I drive it.

After that I hid in my room and cried for a while. I don't even know why. I guess I feel like such a failure. I feel like a freeloader at my mother's house, and here I am buying concert tickets left and right. Then there's the whole shyness thing coming back to bite me in the butt. Whenever I'm in a group, I freeze up and can't join the conversation. I wind up in the role of observer, and that's not who I really want to be. I wish I could actually participate and have people listen to me. It seems like I'm an observer in my own life sometimes, like I can't make myself heard. It's something I really need to work on. I just can't stand it anymore.

It was three summers ago this year that I had what most people would call an eating disorder. I would exercise compulsively- every day, in the morning, at night, whenever I could. I never want to go back to that, and yet, here I am, running in place like an idiot in my room at 6:30 pm, just because it makes me feel better about myself. It makes me feel normal, it makes me feel like I am doing something to not get fat and lazy and to get rid of my belly fat and huge thighs. Is this what I do when I feel out of control of my life? Try to perfect my body when all other aspects of life are out of whack?

If you're in the area, this place is worth checking out.

Hi wonderful readers. Sorry I haven't written in awhile. I just watched Jeopardy. I can't believe how much this guy Ken has won- over $500,000. I preferred it when all champions had to "retire" after five wins. The purpose of that was to keep know-it-alls from hogging up the game. Now it is getting boring watching the same person win over and over.

It seems my life has gone back to normal. I got out of my online dating subscription. I got two dates out of it, so that was a good thing. I thought I had a thing going with this one guy, but we went out once and he never called me back. Maybe that is for the best, though. I don't know if I'm ready for a real relationship. Besides, I felt like it was making me stupid and vain and secretive to my family, and I didn't like that at all.

I've charged about $200 on my credit card this month on concert tickets to Nickelback and on Italian lessons. Frivolous? Maybe. I'm not in dire financial straits, but it is still a lot for a student who is supposedly trying to conserve money. May as well live it up a little while I have all this free time.

Why am I taking Italian lessons? I am 1/8 Italian. I've never heard anyone in my family speak a word of Italian, though. My grandpa's name is Italian- Alfredo. He's the only one of his siblings with Italian blood. All the rest have a different father. I probably should be learning more Spanish, it's more marketable, but I don't care. I feel like I know enough to slide by in most situations. I could probably even do OK in an advanced Spanish class if I really wanted to. But I'd rather learn Italian, on the off-chance that I get to go to Italy one day and visit my relatives there, ha ha.

Two things are making me very happy right now: floor seats for Nickelback. Chad Kroeger is so hot. I was so hoping they would play here, and my wish has come true.

I updated the links under "Favorite Blogs". The old ones were not being updated enough. Every few months it seems I have a new rotation of blogs that I read. One blog I miss terribly is sarahhatter dot com. That was the first blog that had any real influence on me as far as writing style. I know she has not disappeared from the planet and will continue to write, but there is nothing to match the year or two after I first discovered that site. Fortunately there are others out there, most of which I have listed and which I highly recommend.

I am unfortunately getting bored with my free time, which I said would not happen. But it has. As I lounge on my bed reading book after book and watching Dr. Phil, I think to myself that someday I will repay all of this. In some way roughly equivalent to the law of karma, one day I will repay the blessings of free time and free rent bestowed on me by my parents. Does that sound like a load of crap thought up to make me feel less guilty about not working or going to school for three months? It's not like this situation is going to go on forever. Come August I fully intend to go back to school, take mind-boggling grad student classes, be a fantastic RA, and start looking for a "real" job that will allow me to move out of mom's house. Until then, is it so wrong to enjoy some time off?

This morning I saw a piece on the Today Show about the new SAT. God, I am so glad I am done with standardized tests. I have taken many of them: TAAS, SAT, AP, CLEP, and GRE. What really scares me is the new writing portion of the SAT. Essay grading is very subjective, so how is that fair? I think I'm a fairly good writer, and I scored low on the GRE writing portion (bottom 25 percent). Essay writing is something you have to be trained in, so obviously some kids are going to be at a disadvantage. What an unfair test.

I'm going to be bold and post some personal stuff. So I went out on a date on Friday. A guy I met online through a matching website. I won't go into too many details. He lives in another city about 50 miles away. I followed safety protocols- we talked on the phone a few times before meeting, we met in a public place, I told my sister where I was going before I left, etc., etc.

It was just a very weird experience. I'm 22 years old and I had never been on a date before. I had no idea what to expect. We had an OK time, or at least I did. Good conversation, the guy seemed decent enough, nice, interesting, somewhat attractive. But the aftermath has put me into an emotional tailspin. I don't feel comfortable sharing the emotions of this experience with my family. And, of course, I don't have any close friends. So it is bottled up, and I keep thinking about it over and over and it is so stupid. Does he like me? Does he think I'm attractive or am I too fat? Too young? Too sheltered? Or is that just me thinking all these things? When can I expect him to call me again, if he ever is going to call? This is all endlessly puzzling to me.

I am questioning my reasons for wanting to date. Sometimes I get so fed up with being lonely. But I can handle loneliness. I know how to spend a Saturday night when there's no one around. Quite often it is writing in my journal and crying after watching an episode of Trading Spaces, but I still feel comfortable in doing that. This experience is something totally different. It's like I felt so confident and appreciated on that night, and I felt I made a connection with another person. Then the next day I went back to being my insecure self, wondering if that connection was all an illusion and if I will ever experience it again.

I don't know if it is worth it to put myself through this emotional rollercoaster. I know I can be OK on my own. I can function, I can get my emotional needs met some other way, I can be steady and unfettered. Maybe I am just the type of person who prefers to be alone. Maybe I need to get my life in order before I bring another person onto a capsizing ship.

Where the focus before was on, why am I like this, how can I improve myself, now it is on whether this guy will like me. And I hate that. I hate to have those thoughts go through my head constantly. I wish I were insanely busy so I would not have to think those moronic insecure thoughts. I hate to have my happiness be based even in part on what another human being thinks about me. I know it is wrong. Isn't that what is going on here, though? Sigh. Any advice would be appreciated.

Good news: The computer is back to normal. I got MS Word to run again by deleting normal.dot. Thank God for tech discussion forums. I also did a system restore to get the display not to look like Windows 1.0. I even put in more memory (courtesy of Mom) though it turned out to be unnecessary. The computer is now running better than it ever has. Maybe with more memory I can run a game like The Sims.
I am thoroughly enjoying my vacation. Yesterday I watched Mystic River. Why does every mystery have to have some kind of stupid "big twist" at the end? In so many of those generic crime shows, the culprit ends up being a)the wife/mother/grandmother or b)a young kid that nobody suspected. It's unrealistic for the most part. And now that it has been used as a plot device over and over, it has even become predictable.

Hi world. Sorry I haven't written in awhile. I've stopped going in to work for the most part. The situation is still in limbo. I owe so many hours, but I'm not getting a paycheck. I've whittled it down to maybe a couple of weeks of work which I would like to make up before school starts in August. But we'll see what my boss has to say about it.
What else? Sometimes I wish I lived alone. I'm on my family's time, I feel kind of forced into doing whatever they are. I helped my mom move stuff and clean. Not that I mind, but I sometimes wish it were my stuff instead of hers. Maybe when I finally get a well-paying job I will be able to move out. Until then I'm stuck with the vacuum cleaner noise.
I'm going to a stupid meeting tomorrow. Blech. I really admire professors for the most part, but their meetings are awfully long and boring. And the politics can get vicious.
Oh yeah, my computer is acting stupid again. The display is all messed up. It's very pixelated(?) and the colors are off. I ordered more memory today at the bargain price of $300. Hopefully I can figure out how to install it and the problem will be fixed.
I wonder if I'm meant to be single forever and never find a significant other. I like the idea of having a BF but I just don't know if I can deal with the quirks of another human being. I guess it will have to be the right person otherwise I'll be miserable. I don't even know if I like the idea of being a wife, or worse, a mother. I can't imagine myself telling some loser guy to pick up his socks or to do the dishes more than once a month. Or staying home as he goes to work while I am dealing with a crying baby. It all sounds so bleak and depressing. I know I'm still young, but that could be my future in five years.

I finally figured out what's wrong with my car. The right rear tire is flat. No wonder it was driving strangely yesterday.
I couldn't get to sleep last night. Just thinking about stuff. It's weird how I dream up the grandest schemes laying in bed at night, half-asleep. I'm going to be this, I'm going to do this. I'm going to be a better person. Those plans are forgotten in broad daylight.

Some tragic news. I went outside to check on the ferret and he was dead.
I looked in all the shady areas he likes to nap in and couldn't find him. Finally I saw him lying in the sun. His body was still, and I couldn't see him breathing. I thought he might just be asleep, so I tried to wake him up, but he wouldn't move. Ants and flies were already crawling over his fur.
I wrapped him in a towel and started crying. Poor ferret, left there to roast in the sun. I suppose it was a peaceful way to go, but I still feel horrible that while I was in the house lounging on the sofa, he was out there. Poor ferret, I feel so terrible now.

It's Thursday. It's already June. I can't believe it.
Yesterday I tried on some jeans and I fit into a size 11. Two sizes smaller than the pants I am currently wearing. I didn't buy them because I don't want to pay a huge payment on my credit card this month. But it is reassuring to know that I'm losing a few pounds.

Sorry I haven't written in a couple of days. I'm going through kind of a personal thing. But I can write about what I did today. I went to Kinko's to use a scanner and it was not a good experience. I tried to use it but the scanner didn't work. And doing all of this at $.20 a minute really gets stressful. I left without scanning a thing and decided to try my luck at school.
I drove right into the middle of a post-graduation ceremony mess, with tons of traffic and lots of pedestrians. It was an error in judgment to take that route. I could have run someone over. Luckily I didn't. Finally I went to the library and scanned my items. For free, and without spending five minutes figuring it out.
It's not a very interesting story, I know, but that's my life nowadays. The more time I spend at home, the more I feel I morph back into the "high-school" me, that is, not going out at all and not even trying. Just spending time with my mom. Not that I don't love my mom to pieces, but I need to get out more. It's not good to be bored. It's not good to live my life vicariously through others. So here I go, trying to find something to do, something that requires little or no money, something that is completely on my own.