Happy almost-New Year's, Internet. It has been a rather depressing one, as I had to go to work then come home to an empty house. I almost wanted to stay at work until midnight just to ring in the new year with other human beings instead of with the dog and CNN. Oh well. I wonder how many chocolate bars I will have to consume in order to make myself feel a little better. I have five. Five will do it, I think.

I'm kind of beyond caring, what with the sucky birthday and working Christmas and all. Truth is, I shouldn't complain. I have every reason in the world to be grateful: I am healthy, I live in a nice middle-class home, I have a car, I have an education, I have a job that I enjoy about 80 percent of the time. I have a supportive family, I live in a safe city/neighborhood. I do A LOT of complaining on this blog, but I suppose it's all in the way you look at it. Half-full/half-empty, you know. Compared to a lot of people, I live a pretty good life. One more holiday alone is not going to kill me. I signed up for this when I took the job, so here I am sucking it up one more time.

My sis and I went to the Sun Bowl today. It was pretty cool, the game was fairly exciting. The marching bands were cool. UCLA had a band juggler, which I thought was awesome. The kids sitting in front of us kept firing off paper airplanes into the crowd and hitting people in the head. We ended up leaving at half-time- it was a long game and I was kind of hungry and wanted to beat the crowds. Shows what big football fans we are, ha ha.

Another day. I have a sinus headache. I went to the bank to deposit some money, then to the store to buy Coca-Cola, fruit, and milk. Yay for Coke 12-packs, 4 for $10.

Anyway, so I am trying to be semi-productive. Trying to get things in order. I checked out a stack of books about choosing a career. "What do you like to do?" "What skills do you like using most?" "Where can you see yourself?" "What kind of person do you want to be?" I get to those questions and I am honestly stumped. I used to have some ideas but now all I can think of is how much everything sucks. I think of all the interviews I went on in the past few months. Truth is, I didn't really want any of those jobs. Not really. I mean, I wanted money, I wanted respectability, I wanted to have something to do and somewhere to go during the day so that I wouldn't feel like a bum. But I didn't really want to develop software or program in C and SQL or work on computer security problems.

I'm thinking that I have to work on my people skills. I guess it all kind of boils down to that, why I see my life as such a failure. Why I have been so unsuccessful, why I feel so dissatisfied with everything. It's hard to deal with, so much easier to just surrender to it, say nothing, be nothing, do nothing.

I don't know, it's all a big mess in my head. I know I'm not the only one who deals with this stuff. Life is tough and unfair and I know I'm lucky to have options but I feel like I'm running out of them. I'm so disillusioned. I've seen enough of the "working world", and I guess my problem is that I don't want to deal with any of it. I don't want to go work in a cubicle everyday and have constant pressure and stress and have no meaning in any of it. I don't want to deal with a jerk of a boss and jerks of co-workers. I don't want to work long hours, for what, the hopes of more money? I want to believe that there is meaningful work out there, work that is not evil, work that I like doing and that pays well enough so that I don't end up in the poorhouse. I really, really want to believe that, but I don't know if that even exists. I don't even know what my definition of "meaningful work" is. I used to want to be a writer, but I don't even think I want to do that anymore. I don't have a damn thing to say about anything anymore. I used to maybe want to become some sort of scientist, but right now I feel like I could never go back to school ever again. As long as I freakin' live. There's other stuff I could do, I suppose, but what? Mostly I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. People are all such jerks, you know? Real mature, I know, but I'm at such a loss here, and I don't want to try to go after some other job that I don't even want, just for the sake of having a full-time job, when I can get by living at home and working part-time. I guess eventually I will have to face reality and will have to deal with all the crap that I don't want to deal with right now. I'll have to capitulate to reality and put in my time and render to Caesar, blah, blah. It's not even just not knowing what to choose, it's more just being disillusioned and feeling like I'm going to be a failure no matter what I do, that I'm going to be unhappy no matter what. Things that I used to be interested in don't hold that same magic for me. I don't even want to try for anything, it's all just a giant mess and I don't know how to snap out of it.

Happy Tuesday. I can't believe I am going to have to work tonight. Again. Oh well, what better thing do I have to do? I wanted to watch March of the Penguins with the family. I guess that will have to wait until tomorrow.

Anyway, I am listening to the "Four Seasons" by Vivaldi and catching up on blogs. I went to the library earlier, checked out "What Color is Your Parachute?", "Do What You Are", "Spook" by Mary Roach, and a book about The Beatles. I want to dive into those, but probably later on. I want to enjoy the music and the sunshine for now. Sunshine, yes sunshine, it has been so warm lately and I absolutely love it.

Anyway, this is like the most boring post ever. Bye for now.

It's the Monday after Christmas. Back to work, I guess. Back to normal life, back to being neurotic. I actually kind of liked having to stay in bed all day and drink gallons of water when I was sick last week. There was a sense of purpose to it- I'm trying to get well. Now there is just, well, I don't really know what I'm doing all day, I have no purpose except to watch 30-Minute Meals on the Food Network four times a day. Four times a day. And I don't cook.

I looked up health insurance plans. They were all really expensive and don't provide nearly the coverage I used to have when I was covered by my dad's plan. Great. But I figure I'd better sign up for something just in case some medical catastrophe happens.

So. Christmas. I had to work Christmas Eve and I had to work today. That pretty much sucked. I had to leave my mom's family's festivities today after only an hour so I could get to work on time. But otherwise, it was all right. My parents are always generous with the presents. I got a new bookshelf and some much-needed spending money. I got some new boots and some clothes. I spent some time with the members of my extended family and it was nice and pleasant. Oh yeah, and everyone liked the gifts I got for them. And I'm nearly over my cold. So it was a good Christmas overall, even if I spent a few hours of it at work.

One persistent worry when I spend time with other people is that I am turning into a freak and becoming too insular. I mean, my cousins are showing off their cell phones to each other and I don't even have one. Even my 12-year-old cousin has a cell phone. But no one ever calls me.

I was only too glad not to talk about grad school or my future plans. Everyone knows where I work, and I guess they assume I like it there and I am going to keep working there. But I think it is probably puzzling to them why I bothered to get a master's degree and then I go to work at this place where my job is completely unrelated to anything I studied in school. Also puzzling to me, of course. I guess that is probably the least of my problems when I act like such a freak and live this weird, unsatisfying existence. I guess the truth is I hate the way I look. I'm not bothered by weight issues for the most part, but it is more that I just wish that I looked more put together. You know, hair, make-up, decent clothes, shoes that aren't year-old tennis shoes, contacts instead of glasses. Clothes that were purchased this calendar year. I suppose that makes me feel different, and like people don't see me as attractive, they see me as, I don't know, a kid, an unkempt college student, a frump, most likely a big nerd who doesn't care about things like that. I don't know, and then trying to make conversation, but it's like there's nothing I'm really very excited about in my life. My job is probably the only thing worth talking about, I do not want to talk about school, but I wish I had at least a few outside interests, that I had seen a movie at the theater in the past six months or something. I guess those things are at the root of my dissatisfaction, not some big complicated psychological thing.

Hey people. It's my first post from my new computer. Brand new, flat screen, a lot bigger than the old one. It's nice. Thank you, my parents, you are too generous.

My sisters are home for the Christmas vacation. It's like old times, the fighting along with the joking, the excessive TV-watching and Internet surfing. I don't know, I guess I miss this more than I realize.

So I am at a weird place right now. I'm hanging on to my part-time job, having turned down a well-paying full-time job. Still living at home, of course. Still having no clue what to do. I think about it, I worry about it, but I am coming up with nothing. I think I just need time. It's weird, but I don't get excited about things the way I used to. You know, you have the short list of interests that you use to describe yourself, but I don't even know if I'm interested in those things anymore. Maybe it's time to toss those out and figure out some new ones.

I've had a cold since Sunday. My sure-fire cold remedy: drink endless cups of water, usually in the form of hot tea. And sleep 12 hours a day. It works pretty well. My cough is clearing up and I am feeling a lot better today. So that is good. I am trying not to contaminate anyone else with my germs because it would suck to be sick for Christmas. Diseases are pretty disgusting things, aren't they? Viruses are nasty.

So, here I am digging the whole deeper and deeper. A couple of paperwork glitches for submitting my thesis have been called to my attention. I know I have to deal with this, I know I have been acting unprofessionally, and it has come back to bite me in the butt. The only thing I can do now is to do better, to be more professional, to step up and be mature about this. But the kid in me wants to run away. You really don't know how badly I want to leave it all behind. I have this knot in the pit of my stomach every time I think about this. I feel so guilty about the whole thing, and no one has any idea. I have felt about a million times better this week not thinking about this, not dealing with it, not having to get up every day and feel like I was living a lie. I want to confess the whole sordid mess to someone, I have even been planning to go to a therapist or something because it bothers me that badly. I guess I have been projecting my emotions onto the whole process when I should not. But I'm an emotional wreck and I have a hard time dealing with this. I'm being deliberately vague, so what I'm writing probably doesn't make much sense, but I needed to vent. There you go, Internet, I am angry, I am upset, I am sad, I want to tell someone so badly the story of this giant mess but I have no one I can talk to about it.

OK, so enough of that. I think I just need to cool down. I will feel a lot better when this is all behind me, but until then, I need to keep a level head and do the best I can. Life has sucked for the past month or so, as I said I've been a nervous wreck. My hair is too long, I have three sweaters to wear in the damn cold weather since I haven't had time to go shopping, I eat too much junk food and don't exercise enough, I don't have time to read the books I want to read. Whenever I have a free moment I watch the tube or read blogs. I have low self-confidence, I've been sick of school for the past six months. I'm a virtual recluse, I mean, I go to school and work and speak when necessary, but I have like three members of my family that I talk to on a regular basis and that is sort of it as far as anything beyond work acquaintance relationships. I guess that is painting a pretty bleak picture of things, in a lot of ways I am extremely fortunate, having good parents and a good home, an education, and a job that I like. I guess the point is that there are a lot of things I want to change about my life, and now I finally have some time to reflect and think about what I want to change and how to go about doing it. I've been in a bit of a daze for the last week, getting over the graduation and worrying about turning everything in on time. I'm not a horrible person, it's a bunch of crap that I feed to my brain, I know, but that's the image I have of myself, that everything I touch is destined to fail. And you know what, that is kind of what ended up happening. Only when I get this stressed do I start praying. I surrender. Forgive me, God, I'm sorry that I'm not perfect.

I can't pretend about who I am anymore. I'm tired of pretending, it can only go on for so long, and I think I've reached the end. The bitter end. But I'm glad I'm taking the time now to figure things out, rather than doing it later after I'm already on a track I don't want to be on. I actually feel optimistic for the first time in months, one era of my life is over and I can finally be free to start something new. Finally. I wonder what I'll end up doing. It's kind of good that I don't know.

My computer speakers are working again! Now I can once again listen to my collection of pirated music. Yay. Kind of pointless getting them working now when I'm getting a new computer soon that will probably come with speakers, but oh well.

This morning I discovered yet another form that I must get signed in order to officially graduate. Great. So close and yet so far. That's on the to-do list for today.

I need to go shopping. I have about three sweaters in the winter wardrobe rotation. I need some new undies, too. I also want to get my haircut. I want to do something shocking, like go really short. But I'm afraid of looking too masculine or something and then having to wait forever for it to grow back.

My sister is back home, which is nice. There's some excitement back in the house. Most of the time without her it is either me by myself in front of the PC or sitting with Mom watching TV. Soooo boring.

I've been spending way too much money lately. It's expensive to graduate with fees and cap and gown and all. Plus I spent money for gifts and a magazine subscription that I don't really need that I got suckered into buying. Plus shopping for myself and gas money, and it goes on and on. I don't keep careful track of what I spend most of the time, but maybe I should start. I'm afraid I'll faint when I open my credit card statement.

Well, that's what's swirling about in my mind this Wednesday. Good-bye all.

So I decided not to take the job. Entry-level corporate professional job, that is. I didn't know what to do, but they needed an answer today, so I said no. I was tempted to take it. It would have made my life easier. Money-wise, not having to answer questions from my family about what the hell I'm going to do now that I finished my master's. I guess the fact is that I didn't really want to leave the job I have now. I think there's a possibility of advancing there. I like working there, it's cool, it's glam, and I think if I had shut the door now I probably would have looked back on it with regret.

I'm trying to be smarter. I've been at this point twice before in my life, made some decisions that I wasn't really happy with, and I want it to be different this time. Graduated from high school. I spent months reading about different colleges. I went to visit a couple of different places. I ended up going to UTEP, and not that it isn't a good school, but I went there basically because I had a scholarship there. Not because I really wanted to go there, but it was easy, it was convenient, and so it was decided. Fast forward 3.5 years. I am graduating from UTEP with my bachelor's degree. End of the semester is crazy, I don't know what to do. Don't see myself getting a job in town and don't want to move. Fact is, I'm still having career doubts. So what do I do- I apply to CS grad school. I know I can get in. I can still live at home and be a student. What's not to like? But once again, I am making a decision based on fear, because it seems like the right thing to do, a good thing to do, and it is convenient. And then, I go through two more years of school. For the past year or so I've had a real motivation problem. The worst motivation problem I've ever had in my life. I feel in over my head and am still having career doubts, those never went away. I even get a part-time job in a different field to see what it is like. But despite my lack of motivation, I keep applying for jobs in software, and am tempted to take the only one that is offered to me. Why- because it is expected, because those are the only jobs I'm somewhat qualified for. Sometimes I feel like my life is a runaway train and I can't stop it. But I can, I'm determined to be smarter and to ask myself the tough questions and figure out at least a short-term plan. I'm willing to take the time this time. Not rush into something that I don't really want that I will end up regretting later.

(clockwise from bottom left) The UTEP parking lot and view of Juarez, Mexico. Weird wire sculpture betwen CS building and Fox Fine Arts building. Tree in alley behind CS building.

OK so it's over. Thesis defense is over, I was scared. I was unprepared, I thought the committee members were going to hammer me and I would run from the room crying. But no, it went OK, I knew the answers to the questions for the most part. I guess I see myself a certain way and I expect everyone to see me that way. Insecure, flaky, uncertain. I had a run in my nylons and I didn't have a demo and I thought everyone would see right through me. Yet somehow these people treated me as a professional, had some respect for the work I managed to do, and it wasn't altogether bad. Why have I been so afraid for all this time? I've felt so guilty. I felt like a failure and I shut down. Why didn't I step up? More importantly, why didn't I ask for help? It's maddening, really.

Well, anyway, that was that, and it's all over. I took some pictures yesterday to remember my time at good old UTEP. The parking lot I must have parked in about 5 million times over the past five years. The sculpture garden I passed all the time and every time I thought, I have got to take pictures of that place. So yesterday I did.

What I had to eat today: breakfast- two Kit-Kat bars. Lunch- a peppermint mocha from Starbucks. Dinner- microwave popcorn. Possibly the most unhealthy day ever food-wise.

I'm tired and I'm nervous. Why didn't I prepare earlier? When did I get this disorganized? What am I going to wear? I'm going to be tired tomorrow, too. I am so freaking out. And it's the coldest day of the year. I'd rather stay in bed all day I think.

Thesis defense is tomorrow morning. Remind me again why I agreed to work tonight? I'm starting to get worried. I don't have time to do it all.

I'm happy it will soon be all over. I will finally be free. Sort of. But then what next? I wish I knew.

It's going to be a fun holiday. I'm going to end up working Christmas Eve, Christmas, and New Year's Eve. Working Christmas Eve is really going to suck. I have spent Christmas Eve night with family every year of my life, including when I was working at Wal-Mart. Even WM shuts down for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. New Year's I can handle, even Christmas is OK since everything pretty much winds down by the evening, but night before Christmas, well, that just doesn't seem right.

Whew. Tuesday night, did not go to work like I usually do. I ended up talking to my dad, breaking down and crying and telling him about my anxieties. My dad did not tell me what to do as I feared he would, just said it's my life and I have to figure it out. And give myself permission to quit. I think I've got that lesson nailed, thank you very much.

I think I need some time to reflect. It's not like I haven't taken time, but maybe I will have some new perspective in the absence of school-induced guilt. I do have to figure things out on my own, though it's good that it's not all some big secret I'm carrying around anymore. My parents are great, always supportive. But I don't want to take advantage of that. I don't know, this is a really tough call.

So, Sunday night. I'm dead tired. Numbingly tired, will not force myself to do any more work. I'm starting to look and feel like a shell of a person. I have like one more day to go of this crap. I've spent the past two weeks worrying and not getting much accomplished. And here I am in a real predicament. It's not like I didn't see this one coming a mile away.

I'm getting used to the idea of working. Nothing will ever be as good as college as far as free time. I'm trying to remember what it was like to get up early every single day. Tiring. A drag. Yuck. Is that what I really want? A desk job? A day job? So conventional.

Mom set up the Christmas decorations today. Very cute, I must say, despite what I wrote about being a Grinch.

I have to stand up for myself more. Yesterday I found out that I am going to have to work on Christmas, and I just accepted it, didn't really protest or ask if there was some way to get out of it even though I really don't want to work that day. I just suck it up. Like so many things in my life. Afraid to make waves. Want to disappear, be invisible, not matter.

Practice thesis defense didn't go too badly. I heard a lot of comments, they were constructive, so that was good.

I was not feeling my best. For some reason I felt cranky and tired and like this was the last thing I wanted to do. But I did it. Yay, good for me, I suppose.

Surprisingly I am starting to get nostalgic about school. This is the last Dead Day I will experience. The last research group meeting. Everyone else will be continuing on, I will be somewhere else, doing who knows what. I know the CS building the way I know my own home. Every nook and cranny. I have worked there and studied there, practically spent the night there a few times. And I will soon be leaving there and not coming back. Weird. But good, I suppose, since I'll finally be moving on.

I see so many ways I have failed. Failed to build relationships. Failed to make any difference whatsoever with the work I did. Took the path of least resistance and in return got exactly what you might expect. It's a lesson.

OK, it's past midnight and I'm officially tired. I goofed off and have barely finished my slides for my speech tomorrow. Yes, another speech. Story of my life as a grad student. Second to last one, it is my practice thesis defense.

And I have a job offer. I will find out the details on Monday. I am extremely torn. This is a really hard decision. I've written most of my thoughts about it here before. Full-time corporate job vs. a part-time job that I enjoy. I can think of arguments on both sides. One hour I am thinking that one decision is right, the next I am thinking the other would be right. I can't make up my mind. I need to grow up, whatever that means. Find out where I'm headed and quit being such a faker. Just decide, even if it turns out to be the wrong decision. Ask my parents, maybe. But what if they tell me something I don't want to hear?