So it's 11:00. I'm putting off doing my homework since I have a headache and I don't want to deal with the crashing software again. Very, very annoying. What have I done today instead- distributed copies of my thesis; watched like six hours of TV, including a great episode of Lost; looked up career self-help books on Amazon.

Thesis is printed out. Yay, it is done, well, as done as it is going to get. Left to work on: thesis defense slides, class report and project. Two hurdles to jump and then I am done. Finally.

I went jogging this morning and it kicked my butt. My allergies are acting up again, plus I haven't exercised in about five days so I was really out of breath.

Staples of my diet as of late: PBJ, frozen peas, rolls, and, of course, sugar, as in soda and desserts.

On the way home, I surfed the radio stations trying to avoid any Christmas songs. Difficult task. I actually like listening to cheesy soft favorites on Sunny 99.9, but apparently that station is now Christmas song central :-(. Yeah, I'm a grinch. I don't really see the point of Christmas anymore, no one even pretends it's a religious holiday.

I'm in the worst mood today, can you tell? I lied my ass off today, BSed like a pro, and it wasn't fun. I didn't get much sleep, and that is the worst for me since I'm not used to it. I STILL haven't finished my thesis. I have to drop off a job application tomorrow and work and sleep until noon. And finish the thesis, top priority and work on a report due Sunday which I have neglected. Uhh....my head is spinning, how can I do all that in one day?

I still haven't decided on the whole job thing. I wish I could get back that motivating spark. My sister has all these plans to open a bakery one day. She talks about it all the time, has decided on business as her major with plans to go to culinary school. When I hear her talk about it I am jealous. At least she has a plan. I mean, even if something happens along the way that postpones the plan, at least she has a goal that she is excited about. I don't have that, haven't had that for years, really. I ask myself, why did I go to college? I have a job doing dummy work that I actually enjoy. I could possibly go find myself some entry-level corporate job, earn a good salary, and then what? A few years down the road bemoan my empty existence? On the other hand, maybe a real job, any job, is exactly what I need to get my head out of the sand and start living. Having my own money, my own existence apart from this family, appeals to me. So does having health benefits, ha. Having people to interact with, people who actually expect something out of me more than just being a sort of secretary. Developing actual marketable skills so I don't have to blank at my next job interview. Don't people work their whole lives to work at a "professional" job instead of a crappy min. wage job? Isn't that the purpose of college?

It has been a fairly bad weekend. I've spent most of my time trying to finish a project that's due Monday, yes tomorrow. And my a draft of my thesis, also due tomorrow. Software for the project keeps crashing every 5 minutes or so. That tends to limit my progress. I'm frustrated so I'm taking a break to blog. Plus I have to work tonight. I don't know how much can be accomplished in three hours. We'll see.

The weather is windy. Really, really windy, like it sounds like I'm in the middle of a hurricane at times. My allergies are acting up because of all the dust. I'm annoyed and I wish I didn't have to do all this stuff. Grad school was not supposed to be like this. Live and learn, I guess. Why do I feel as if I've been in this same exact situation many times before? End of the semester, too much work to do, don't have time to do it all, have slacked off all semester and now I'm paying for it. I'm glad that I will never have to go through this again.

Hi again, Internet. Thanksgiving was fun. It was great having my sisters at home for awhile. I miss that.

It seems I'm at a crossroads. I'm so stressed out about school, so many deadlines and such, but the truth is, I'm looking at three weeks and then I never have to deal with it again. Thank God for that. And then what? I applied for this job that I think I have a reasonable shot at getting. But even if I am offered the job, do I take it? I don't know. I want to quit being so stupid. Have some goals, some priorities. Is money the only thing I'm basing my decision on? Will I actually enjoy the work? That's a tough question. Money is not all that important to me, but when you are living off your parents and a 20-hour a week job, that's not right, is it? Better to get a higher-paying job where I don't have to do that. But then thinking ahead two or three years, am I going to kick myself (again) for investing in a career path that I don't really care much about? Too many decisions. Arghh.

An update. I went on another job interview yesterday. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. My interviewing skills are in the toilet. How can I convince anyone to hire me? I feel like George W. Bush at a press conference. Trying to defend my lack of experience. The conflict is still there, too, the do-I-want-to-go-this-route-or-not conflict, and I do a bad job of hiding it. I feel like an overgrown kid. Two years to get a master's degree and it has not benefited me in the least. Timing is wrong, I have let my so-called skills atrophy.

I guess now is the time for accountability. All the opportunities I have wasted, the laziness I have displayed in grad school, my refusal to get involved with anything. One interviewer asked me, where do you see yourself in five years? I don't know. I don't have an answer for that question. I can't see myself anywhere. I can see myself not making a difference the way I don't make a difference now. I can see myself fumbling through life trying to avoid confrontation. How about that? Great answer.

Thursday afternoon. I'm finding ways to waste time. Current reading material- "Quarterlife Crisis." Yup, that's me all right. Oh please, not such a crisis, but going through life with no direction can really mess someone up. As much as I complain about grad school, at least there's that structure, there are those assignments and deadlines that give you at least some form of goals. After I get out of school, there will be nothing. Climbing up the career ladder, I suppose, saving up enough money for whatever, trying to find my true calling in life. I'm way too shy, I think about this everyday, how am I ever going to succeed if I can't force myself to talk to people, ever? I guess it might be all in the attitude, like I always have this unconscious assumption that everyone is out to hurt me, not help me, even though I know that is not true. Some people, most people, probably, actually look forward to getting to know new people, but I am afraid. I'm so clueless about these things, it is frustrating.

OK, so one more chapter left to write in the thesis. One more, that's not so bad. My thesis advisor even liked the chapters I turned in. So there. I skipped class so I could avoid traffic and spend more time writing. Class has been boring the last couple of times anyway. That will be my next task, to finish the class project that is worth 50 percent of my grade.

It's cold outside. Supposedly it is going to hit the freezing mark tonight. I believe it. I hate winter. I can always tell it is winter when my hands start to look like alligator skin.

I went to work, which was insane. Very busy. I was about to leave, then my boss tells me that my 90-day evaluation is ready for me to sign. There were like two paragraphs written all about my job performance. Apparently I am a "commendable" but not "exceptional" employee. It was interesting to read about how others see me at work. Oh yeah, and I am getting a raise. Excellent.

I was a slacker project-wise today. I didn't get as much done as I would have liked. I will have to make up for it tomorrow.

I can't believe it is already going to be Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving has never been one of my favorite holidays. For many years I didn't eat meat and didn't really get what the fuss was about eating turkey. Oh well, I guess I'll be glad to see my family. My sister is coming home, and I want to see her even though I am kind of mad at her. I've been testing her to see how long she goes without talking to me or e-mailing me. So far it has been over a month and she has not made an attempt to talk to me, besides sending me some article about the pope's old car. I guess I really shouldn't set up tests like that, I should just get over it and e-mail her because we are sisters and I want to know what is going on in her life. Is this how it's going to be forever? I don't know, we used to be close but now it's like we are strangers who happen to be related.

According to my little blog post counter, I now have 1003 entries on my blog. That's a lot of entries. Four years of blogging, that's kind of insane. I think I ran out of original things to say back in 2003. Just kidding. I really like my little corner of the web. It helps me reflect on things, maybe it's not exactly kottke.org, but I'll keep writing here as long as it still has some value for me.

I'm feeling a lot better this week for some reason. Not so down. I can actually see myself finishing school, I'm making some progress, forcing myself to churn things out even when I don't feel like it. And I am not as worried about finding a job. So much luck is involved. Sometimes you search for months and don't find a job, other times you just get lucky and one falls right in your lap. I guess the truth is that I like the job I have now. My family expects me to get a job using my degree, my dad especially is always asking me about it. I've poked around a bit, looking here and there for the high-tech jobs I'm supposedly qualified for. But I've found nothing, my latest job interview bombed and I wasn't really devastated, I didn't really want that type of job anyway. I guess I don't feel ready for it. There may (soon) come a day where I need/want money badly enough to where I will work my ass off for it and endure the commute and the time demands and the stress and the hours of mental gymnastics and the office politics that come with a professional job. But I am not ready for all of that, I would rather be poor and live at home than endure all that at present. As I have said before, I want to find something that I care about, so much so that I will gladly put up with all that crap in order to get things done.

I think it's just a matter of time and maturity. Given enough time, I think my enthusiasm for science and technology will return, I will remember why it used to interest me and why I chose to study it and I will think of how I can make some kind of contribution to the field. But as of now, I am so burned out on it. A house divided against itself cannot stand. Something like that, well, that's how I feel, divided against myself. One part of me puts on the show, slogs through grad school because it's the right thing to do, goes on job interviews because it is expected of me, the other part of me wants to quit, has wanted to quit for a long time, to do what, I don't know, sit on the couch and watch junk TV, probably. I think I need some down time to think up a new plan instead of jumping into something that I will regret later.

Sunday night/Monday morning. Tired, tired, tired. Goofed up a little at work. Ever do something so automatically that you aren't really conscious of it, it's more like a reflex, then 2 seconds later you don't even remember if you actually did it?

I'm wasting time until I feel like I have wound down sufficiently to go to bed. Pre-sleep reading material: In Her Shoes. Cool book, but the movie is better. Maggie reminds me of my sister.

What I am realizing: I suck at project management. Through working on this thesis project and other projects I've been involved in, I have noticed a pattern: it always takes me twice as long as I plan to do what I say I'm going to do. I need deadlines, deadlines imposed by others, not myself. Lacking those, things turn into one long, lazy semi-vacation until the week before the thing is due.

I'm feeling a little better this weekend. My sister is here. She always makes me laugh. I have made a list of things to work on before my thesis is finished. The list isn't long. Lists give me peace of mind. It's all under control, right?

I've decided I'm going to go to the school counseling center tomorrow. For some advice, if nothing else, and a chance to be honest about what is going on with my life. I'm a reasonably happy, sane person, I think I am just feeling a lot of stress and have a lot of confusion about what I should be doing right now.

Wednesday. Ugh. Project is getting more and more behind. No way I'm going to finish on time. I might be in deep trouble. I don't care, I'll be happy if I finish at all.

Some random guy started talking to me on my way out of the CS bldg. Pretty cute guy, yeah, I noticed. I ended up talking to him about a block past my actual destination, just about senior project stuff and professors. It was kind of weird talking that much to a complete stranger, but it was also pretty cool, since I am usually so anti-social.

Reflecting on failed job interview: Maybe it was for the best. I think I may need some more time before I rush into anything, like getting some high-stress job with a long commute.

Job interview didn't go so well. Firing line of four people interviewed me. Do you know PHP? No. Have you ever done any modeling or simulations? No. Have you ever set up a network? Nope. I could tell in their faces, they were all thinking, there is no way this girl is getting this job. Oh well. It wasn't the right job for me.

Let me tell you a hilarious story about how the gas company accidentally switched off the gas because of a mix-up during the move. How did I discover this? I was baking cookies on Saturday for my dad's birthday. I had turned on the oven but it wasn't warming up like it should have and my cookies weren't baking. At first we thought the pilot light went out, but on further inspection we found that the stove didn't work, either. Mom calls the gas company. It turns out that the gas had been shut off on Friday due to some kind of mix-up and they won't come out to turn the gas back on until Monday since it's not an emergency.

Needless to say, my dad didn't get his cookies. I got him movie passes instead, best gift I could think of on such short notice. And here I sit, awake bright and early, waiting for the gas company to turn the gas back on. Dirty since I haven't showered in two days since there is no hot water. With no clean clothes since we have a gas clothes dryer. Thankfully it is not very cold, but of course the heater isn't working either. Well, at least the computer is working, right?

I officially have a job interview on Tuesday. We'll see how this goes.

I'm wasting time before I start working on school work. Not much going on other than the above news. It's my dad's birthday. I've decided I'm going to bake him some cookies instead of going out and trying to find some gift that I know my dad will never use and will probably end up collecting dust in his house. My dad is really hard to buy for. For Father's Day I bought him some Cinemark gift certificates. Lame, I know. And my dad always tries to talk to you about the gift afterwards, to let you know how much he appreciated it. He said he really enjoyed those movie passes and he mentioned to me all the movies he saw with them. Which is cool, I guess, but it kind of embarrasses me to be reminded of what a lame, impersonal gift that is to give your father.

What else: my new favorite pizza- Papa John's pan pizza. Awesome. Must try.

Bored, don't want to start writing and re-writing and feeling like it is an exercise in futility. But I need to produce something. Other than letting the world know my preference in pizza, ha ha.

Today I went to the optometrist to get a new glasses prescription. Glasses are a very weird thing, they are like a permanent fixture on your face and everything you see goes through them. I always try to find the perfect frames. Usually I end up buying them then spend the rest of the year learning and trying to fix what's uncomfortable about them, getting them adjusted when they get warped, etc. The last pair I bought I thought looked pretty good, then they got destroyed in a car accident. So here I go again. I thought about getting contacts but those are uncomfortable, too. I have tried contacts and it is not fun to get those things stuck in your eye and feeling all uncomfortable at the end of the day because they have been in too long. Maybe Lasik surgery is the answer? But then you actually have to get your eyes cut into. On the other hand it wouldn't be so bothersome as having to wear glasses or contacts every single day for the rest of your life. If I ever get some money maybe I will get the surgery.