OK I failed again. I said I wouldn't binge eat anymore, but it's oh so hard. My mom buys enough food to feed a family of 10, then my sister brings home a tray full of tacos, plus cookies and candy bars and soda. Oh god this is hell. I was doing OK with a turkey sandwich with no cheese, but then I totally lost it with potato chips and cookies a taco and a candy bar and an apple. A piece of cheese. A bag of chips. God, I'm so bad. And I'm lazy. I haven't done a thing around the house in about a month.
I had tests in all three of my classes today. And two of those were in tough subjects. In a way, I hate tests. But I also think being pushed really helps me put my brain in gear. My mind is turning to mush. I just can't get myself motivated without a flame at my butt.
I'm in such a funk. I need to go out and look for a job. That's what I'm going to start doing tomorrow. I'm going to apply at the movie theater, maybe at Wal-Mart, and maybe for some odd jobs like delivering papers or writing. And then there's this research proposal. We'll see if I get accepted into the program.
Today I realized that it's been almost a year since I've had a period. That's really bad. My health has really been taking a turn for the worst. I've been overeating and eating a bunch of junk food to boot. I've been hiding out at home trying to zone out reality and avoid talking about myself or what's really bothering me. I hate everything. I just feel like nothing is really worth doing anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know where my life is going. I don't know who the hell I am anymore.
The best thing to do is just to keep going and not think about it. Don't think about the past, just look forward to the future. Try to make things better. Find something to look forward to. Make a plan and stick to it. Work toward your rewards.

I weighed myself yesterday. I am close to 100 pounds. I've gained about ten pounds in a week! God, I'm so ashamed of myself now. I know I can't really say I didn't know what I was doing. And it is very noticeable in my appearance. I used to be rail-thin- you could see my veins on my arms and feel the muscles in my thighs. Now I'm what you might even consider pudgy. My pants don't fit- I'm too big for them. They used to hang on me.
My social anxiety is really getting to me lately. 1. I'm nervous that somebody is going to say something about my rapid weight gain and I will be extremely embarrassed. 2. I've been having these intense fantasies about boys lately and the prospect of talking to any male is making me very nervous. 3. I hate my life, I hate myself, and I hate my past. I hate how stupid I've been about a lot of things. I hate how I can't make myself do what I need to do to be a part of society. I hate how undisciplined I am when it comes to school and studying. Other people don't like me very much. They seem to flock to certain types of people, and I am not one of those types of people. Plus I see myself and my family as spoiled and pampered and ridiculously petty. I'm so analytical about myself, and I'm obsessed with myself and I hate that. This stupid blog only panders to my self-absorption.

Well, I fell off the boat when it came to not eating anymore junk food. I consumed an entire box of cookies in the past 24 hours plus pizza and French fries.
I've come to the very troubling realization that I'm living my life like a loser. Also, that my mother is such a dork. And I'm still living here with no plans to move out in the near future. I can't even afford my own junk food supply. I haven't done my homework very well and I have no friends and have made no attempt to go out with anyone outside this family. My hair looks like crap and I'm expanding in weight this very minute.
I feel so much that I want someone to love me. Why do I love boys so much? I do think that they're all jerks at some level. But something inside says yes, I want you to want me. I have been challenging myself to speak to MOTOS who I find attractive. And the shocking thing is I've actually succeeded in doing it. Nothing really came of it, but at least I did it. I usually just duck out of those situations as fast as possible. Like this guy in my CS class. He's not heart-stoppingly attractive, but he's decent and he seems nice and really smart. And I worked up the nerve to talk to him when I could have very easily avoided it. But I still think that I'm just too ugly for people to look at in that particular way. And my rapidly expanding girth is not helping the situation any.

Today was a strange strange day. I consciously decided to stop eating junk food and bingeing. Instead, I'm eating a bunch of small healthy meals, not really trying to diet so much as to avoid all that sugar and caffeine. I like the food. It is good. I feel so much more freedom now that I let myself eat the things that I want when I want to eat them. I've also been trying to push myself to study. I worked on my computer science project and it seems like my ideas could work. Also I've been working on lining up a job for myself this summer and trying to graduate on time, if not early.
As far as school goes, I am so tired of the whole thing. I had been thinking of going to graduate school earlier, but now I feel like I just want to get school over with as soon as possible. I'm ahead on my credits, so it may be possible to graduate a semester early. And then there is this bioinformatics program. It sounds like a really awesome program, but I don't know if it's exactly what I want so I don't know if it's worth the work I would have to put into it. First of all, I don't know if I really want to work in a lab. I don't mind working in a lab, but it's not really my favorite type of work. Second, I would probably have to move far away from this area to get a job in this field. It would be a really cool job, but I don't know if I could stand being away from my family, my "roots". Third, money, time, and UTEP. Right now, the prospect of three or four more years of school sounds like torture. Plus I or my parents would have to pay for the master's program with our own money. And I'm also kind of disgusted with UTEP right now. UTEP seems to be a bastion of mediocrity. I know that "you get what you put in" when it comes to education, and that I should push myself when it comes to my classes, but it's hard to motivate myself to try very hard when everyone around me isn't putting in the same amount of effort. As for myself, it doesn't require much effort for me to get decent grades in my classes. As long as I'm getting OK grades, I don't see the point of killing myself to study. Right now, I'm thinking that I should just get out of UTEP as fast as I can and see if I can move on to some place better.
"This, too, shall pass." One day, I'll be so incredibly busy that I'll look back on this day and long for the times when I could be so carefree. I'll have people to complicate my life and responsibilities and a high-stress job and bills to pay. So I don't feel too guilty about taking it so easy at this point in my life. I do what I can and what I have to. I have plans and ambitions for my life, and I think a lot about what direction I want my life to take. I'm taking some steps to get there.

I am getting so depressed. I don't know what to do about my life. Food is filling the void, and that's not good. My whole family has weight problems, and I don't want to go there, but it seems that I am. I want to get a job this summer so I'll have some money. I want to move out in the fall.
I haven't been pushing myself to talk to people, and it shows. I'm getting grouchy and impatient with people. Above all, I need something to do to fill all this emptiness. I need to really push it when it comes to talking to people.
My family is driving me insane. I see them as so spoiled, so wasteful. That's part of why I want to move out. I just can't understand how they spend so much money on useless junk and waste so much time just doing nothing. On the other hand, they probably see me as some freak of nature with no friends who is too intellectual for her own good. I see myself as obsessive-compulsive and anxiety-ridden. Plus now I'm lazy. I'm so busy worrying about myself that I don't have time to worry about anything else.
I just feel so sad. I haven't had contact with any of my so-called friends in quite awhile. I've been busy feeling sorry for myself and eating ridiculous amounts of food.
And what about work? I did my digital homework, but my CS project is going down the tubes. I haven't worked out all the bugs yet. Actually, the whole project is pretty interesting once I get into it. It's interesting to solve problems- intellectual stimulation. There's another area where I really haven't pushed myself to try very hard.
I look at our society and it makes me very sad. The loneliness, the hyperstimulation, alienation, luxury and affluence, complacency. It makes me crazy. I just want to scream a lot of the time.
I'm thinking about working at a summer camp instead of going to summer school. It would be a new experience for me. I honestly don't know if I can stand UTEP anymore. It's not a bad school, but it's getting boring to me. And living at home is driving me crazy. I need something to keep me motivated.
I saw my dad today. I was so tired that I didn't really want to talk to him. I haven't seen him since our one hour last week, so it's hard to find things to talk about. I'm just so disgusted with everyone, not excepting myself.
I think what I really need is a good cry session. I just don't want to let myself feel anything. I don't want to tell people how I really feel. It's easier just to hide your emotions and hope they go away. But they don't. I don't know what to do. I don't know. I don't know the answers. All I know is that this must end. I'm destroying my health, not to mention my life. How am I ever going to face the world?

Another update on my food binge. A chocolate eclair with cream filling. I never knew fried food could taste so0000 good! Leftover pizza and sweet potato. The highlight of the day? A chocolate frozen yogurt. God, it was so good. I haven't had an ice cream cone in about a year. It was DELICIOUS. I was totally full when I ordered it, but eating it was definitely worth it. It brought back some really good memories. The best part was all the yogurt that accumulates in the bottom of the cone. It was wonderful. I don't know when I've experienced such absolute PLEASURE.
I turned in my crappy CS project today. My project is so awful. Half the test cases don't even work. I'll work on it later. I did my Spanish homework. I also did my matrix homework. We filled out the class evaluation forms today, and I gave her a "poor" rating on a lot of the questions. I got some kind of evil pleasure out of doing that. I honestly hate her class and I find her so annoying.
I'm giving up this business of food bingeing. What the hell am I doing to myself? But I'm not going to stop eating candy once in a while or enjoying a slice of pizza. It's ridiculous to continue this weird restrictive diet. And I'm not going to worry about exercising so much. Who needs exercise? It's a matter of maintenance, and it feels good to do it, but why should it rule my whole life?
My boyfriend wasn't in matrix class today. I guess he had better things to do. I love him so much.
I cleaned the house today. It actually felt good to do something and to feel like the house was neat and orderly. My obsessive-compulsive neat freak side is coming out.
I thought about it for awhile and decided that I am so jealous of my sister. I resent her. She is prettier than me. She wears nice clothes. She has lots of friends and a boyfriend. She is going away to college. She drives a new car. She eats a bunch of fattening foods and still looks good. She watches TV and sits on her butt a lot of the time but everyone still seems to like her more than they like me. She doesn't study but she still gets somewhat decent grades. As opposed to me. I study a lot for school, but I go to a mediocre school and still live at home. I wear ugly clothes that don't even fit me and sometimes I don't bathe. I do chores around the house but no one seems to care. I exercise, but no one seems to care about that either. I used to eat healthy, but again my family doesn't care one iota. I talk to my mom and try to take her feelings into consideration, but once again, no one seems to recognize this. I try to pay for things myself so I'm not such a bum, but I don't even know why. Why am I such a martyr? It's not even worth it. Above all, it's not worth it to myself. I think I'd rather sit on my duff and eat potato chips from now on.

Today I think I managed to prevent my further decline into the abyss of slothfulness. I actually got some work done today, if that's possible. I didn't totally avoid contact with people outside my family. I got some work done on my computer project. However, I did consume a whole bag of cherry bombs after lunch during my digital design class. And I greedily downed two pieces of greasy pizza, then had an apple and a banana for dessert. And I still don't feel full. As if I needed to add any more to my daily caloric intake. I've decided to start eating like the rest of America- sure they're fat, but at least they're happy. And if it adds a little happiness to my life, so what if I gain a few more pounds?
I think I just feel like I'm getting too comfortable, going back to my old losery life where I never did anything and expected everything to be handed to me on a silver platter. I just have no motivation to do anything. It's time for me to do something, anything. It's time for me to create a change in my life for the better.

Well, now I've really done it. I've managed to gain about 5 pounds in a week. It was fun at first, but now I think I am addicted to food. I wish I was addicted to something more dangerous, like alcohol or drugs, or something healthier, like exercise. Instead, I am joining the ranks of American fast-food society. My life is so pathetic. I am turning into a world-class loser. I am such a pig. I think I'm turning into a nothing person. I have no ambition. I don't care about myself anymore. I have no friends- they all think I'm such a loser. What has my life become? I know I've become desperate when I eat chocolate chips out of the bag or leftovers straight out of the carton or eat the jumbo-sized fried fish, shrimp, french fries, cole slaw, and hush puppies meal at Long John Silver's on a full stomach. I might as well start eating Crisco out of the can. Now I know how celebrities get so fat- i.e. Rosie O'Donnell and Elizabeth Taylor. Plus I have nothing to do all day except eat and dream about food and how I'm going to get my next fix.
Yesterday when I was at Wal-Mart I had this incredibly powerful feeling of animal attraction for this guy at school. He's not even that hot, but I think it's the jeans he wears. They are just so tight and they make his ass look so good. And then there's just his whole attitude- rebellious, maybe you could call it, and his jean jacket. That's the kind of guy I would want to jump my bones. I love to see him do calculus equations on the board. I am just so stupid when it comes to all this. I think deep down I really despise all men for their insensitivity. But when they look that hot..........
At 5:00 p.m I'm going on a total fast. I think that's the only way I'm going to beat this food addiction. No more ice cream, no more vanilla creme cookies at 9 am. No more digging all the peanut butter bites out of the old ice cream in the freezer. No more gigantic bean burritos. No more chocolate snacking between meals or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at midnight. No more blocks of fudge. No more potato chips. No more peanut butter eggs. The only desserts I will touch now are fruits. Goodbye refined sugar. Goodbye pancakes. Goodbye midnight snacks. Goodbye junior mints and twix candy bars. Bye bye jelly beans and easter cakes.