I think my life is spinning out of control. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I used to at least try to take care of myself, to make myself a little better every day, to take pride in the way I act and the way I live my life. Now it seems I am just letting everything fall where it may. I do strange things- like I eat a bunch of junk food and then exercise like crazy at 11:00 at night. Or study all day, trying to figure out this stupid homework, but getting only about five problems done. I talk to my mom and then make a bunch of sarcastic remarks. I surf the Internet for an hour a day just looking at junk. I stopped drinking milk. I quit believing in God. I think Pastor Steve is an entertainer, not really a spiritual leader, and I hate the music they play. I haven't called Eibsee lately, and I don't really want to. I'd rather be at home and feel sorry for myself and do stupid immature things. What the hell is wrong with me? I think I don't want to be by myself, but I'm too lazy to bother to do anything about it. I'd rather stay at home and watch TV in the dark and get fat and try to get my pathetic attempts at schoolwork done so I won't fail. I'm turning into a real asshole.

I am so bored. I'm doing schoolwork just so I can feel productive, but I'm getting nowhere. My mom's friend is in town and she is staying at our house. She is obsessed with food. She is a total food junkie. She is fat and she knows it, but she doesn't seem to care or else maybe she would stop eating so much. Otherwise, she is the most annoying person on the planet.
My sister invited me to the movies tomorrow out of the blue. She never invites me to do things with her. She has also decided to go to Iowa State University. I can't believe she is moving so far away. I can't believe my mom is letting her do it. On the one hand, my mom lets my sister stay out late and move over a thousand miles away, and on the other hand, she literally started driving me to school a few months ago and undid the lock on my door. I will say that I'm going to miss her even if we aren't as close as we once were.

Today I studied for about 3 hours in the morning. I had a digitals test at 12:00 which was kind of hard. I think I at least passed. Food is driving me crazy again. I had some gummy bears and felt guilty about eating them. Then my mom ordered pizza and I peeled off the cheese. I had some nuts, and a plain salad- once again, guilty feelings are coming on. The thing is, I actually have an appetite for these things again. And it is driving me insane!
I called my dad last night just to have someone to talk to. He was really nice and he listened to my problems. I felt better. Even though I feel like I depend on my parents too much just to have people to talk to, I didn't care last night. I just needed to vent.
I need some motivation in life, some overriding sense of purpose. As it is, I am so obsessed with diet and exercise that it is taking over my life. Schoolwork keeps me busy, but it's not as if the world is losing anything if I don't do it. I don't feel a sense of urgency about it. It's just something I do basically because I have to, not because I love it so much. I guess that's how everything in life is: do the stuff you have to in order to do the stuff that you want to.
Tonight, I thought about calling Eibsee but instead I'm going to crash on the couch and watch Survivor. Tomorrow I have to go for advising for summer school. I think I'm going to take assembler programming. Sounds fun, doesn't it?

I'm feeling bummed out today. This morning I decided that I'm going to move out of the house by September. If I stay here, I'm not really living. I'll live in my mom's shadow forever. My mother is so overprotective. I think she is what you would call one of those doting mothers. One example: my mom is hiding my car from me because I can't gain enough weight for her approval. (But if I keep on eating the way I have lately, I don't think that's going to be a problem for long.) Anyway, we got into a fight about it after church, and we were all crying- Mommy, Andrea, and I. My mother is not one who would push her children out of the nest for their own good. She is very lenient with us, and she pampers us and herself. The whole food issue is just one manifestation. She goes out and buys a bunch of tasty snack foods and packs of sodas for herself. I swore off junk food and she thinks I'm a freak. She doesn't exercise. I have to or else I feel guilty. I feel queasy about overeating. Apparently, she doesn't see too much wrong with it. Mommy doesn't have any trouble buying nice things for herself when she feels like it. I have a complex about guilt and self-control. I take a "do I really need this?" mentality with consuming things. My way of living is just different from hers. And that, in a nutshell, is why I need to move out of this house.

I'm having a super-productive day today. I walked/jogged 3 miles, did some homework, volunteered at a nursing home, had lunch with a friend, did laundry, made a pot of beans, did some more homework, and I'm going with my dad tonight. I also called my grandma and my cousin. I'm not feeling particularly talkative today. I actually feel like one of those self-actualizing, super-organized people who have everything seemingly under control.

I saw Crossroads with Granny yesterday, and I think I've had my Britney Spears fix for a lifetime. She's not such a bad actress, but come on, I can't imagine her as the valedictorian of her class. She seems more like a cheerleader than a science nerd. The movie was so ridiculous and implausible. But I didn't pay, so I didn't care.

Last night I lay down on the bathroom floor for no good reason. I spent like 15 minutes just doing that and my mom got worried so she knocked on the door to check up on me. I didn't want to get up. So she pried open the door with a screwdriver and saw me there and totally freaked out. Then she called Brian over to pick me up. The scene was just so absurd. Then my sister started crying and wanted to go to my dad's house.
I am so bizarro. Why do I do stupid things like that? I'm an idiot. I think maybe I have this sick desire for attention of any kind. Like a little kid who throws a tantrum in the middle of the supermarket. The thing is, I'm not really feeling depressed. Actually, I'm feeling really good lately. I'm feeling relaxed, maybe a little bit too relaxed.

I started jogging again. It's like taking energy pills. I had forgotten how good it feels to jog away your troubles.

Last night I read this really cool phrase from a book- foam-rubber pancakes. Out of all the action in the book, that's all I can think about. I think I have a sick obsession with food. But the way it so aptly and succinctly describes pancakes is really artful. That, to me, defines good writing- how few words can you use to express your ideas?
How do you fend off an overprotective mother? How do you quit being "mommy's (19-year-old) little helper"? I feel suffocated. I need an outsider's perspective. I need a friend. I'm drowning. I'm addicted to my so-called comfort zone of being at home and having my mother take care of me. I'm practically twenty- when will I finally start being my own person? Last night, I could have done what I have done every Saturday night for months- eat dinner, then have some fattening desserts accompanied by cups of tea drenched with honey, and then vegetate in front of the TV with my mom and her friend Brian. But as much as I don't want to be alone on a Saturday night, I really don't like being with my mom and just doing the same old thing. I usually don't like the dinner she makes, eating desserts makes me feel guilty, I hate tea, and I don't really like rotting my brain in front of the TV. What I need is a social life- but how to get it?

According to the Care Bear test, I'm sleepy bear. What a blow to my ego, especially considering my last post. Am I really sleeping my life away? It makes me want to do SOMETHING, anything, in order to avoid living a sloth-like existence. Maybe I'll go out and get drunk tonight.

I want to feel ALIVE. I want to fall in love. I want to fall into the sweet embrace of another person. I long to feel passion- that kick to the brain that heightens your senses. I'm so tired of vicarious experience. I want to taste life and savor every experience. I want the fire in the belly so I can push, push, push myself harder and harder until I find what I want.

I love the Police. The music group, I mean. Sting is so hot, even though he's about 60 years old now. Roxanne.........you don't have to put on the red light.......ROOOOXXXXXXANNNNNNNe........................you don't have to put on the red light..........put on the red light...........Roxanne.......put on the red light(what does that mean anyway)

It has been a strange three days. I went on an absolute food binge. I think I consumed a pound of chocolate on each of the three days of the binge. I hadn't eaten a candy bar in nearly a year before. I also had a bag of chips. Chocolate and corn chips. They were certainly good. Fattening, greasy, salty, with absolutely no nutritive value. I think I put on at least a couple of pounds for the huge amount I consumed. The strange thing is, even though it was fun for awhile, I think I like myself better when I take time to ponder what I eat and make sure that it is natural and healthy.
Chocolate. What a joy. Now I know why some people eat chocolate to cure depression. It soothes the mind.
This morning I got up at 4:30 a.m. and turned on the computer. I started playing Alchemy. I played for about an hour. It was really fun. Then I went jogging (to work off some of the three tamales I consumed before I went to bed, I suppose).
The strange thing is, what I considered a food binge, my mom and sisters consider almost normal consumption. My sister had an entire personal pizza then went on to consume three tamales plus a salad with a huge amount of dressing. Same with my mom. Three tamales plus a couple of chocolates and an oatmeal cream pie. And they think I'm the one in trouble with weight problems. If anything, they are the ones who are going to die early. Of congestive heart failure probably.

I haven't posted in a while. Today I'm feeling a little depressed. This week has been strange- people have been inviting me to go places and do things with them. That's great, but being around people my own age sometimes makes me feel inadequate. Everyone seems to have a bunch of friends and lovers and excitement. I'm more of a loner, and the difference between me and them is that I would rather read a book than go to a party and instead of beer I drink milk. But there's something exciting about actually having something to do with someone, and having another person look at you and your qualities and say, yeah, you're ok, I like you and it would be fun to hang out with you.
I took a test today in matrix algebra. It was easy, easy, easy. School bores me sometimes.
I want to change myself. I want to make myself better a little at a time. I want to shape an object with my own two hands and have the world take notice.
Eibsee from Grinnell College- she is like a person from a cooler world, a world where people like to study, and where they have the time to ponder life's great mysteries and talk about them in a commune-like environment. Before her, I had never met a person my own age who listened to NPR.

I passed my English literature professor on the way to my car today. Coincidentally, I had just thought about him and his class a few days before. He is the type of man I would like to marry one day. Smart but not too intellectual. Sensitive (come on, he's an English professor), unassuming, insightful. He's attractive, too. He smiles a lot. He's well-dressed. His pale brown hair is often tousled in a delightfully boyish way. Plus I loved his lectures. They were full of pop psychology (I'm ok, you're ok) and relationship advice gleaned from English literature. It sounded like he had actually been in a few relationships and knew what he was talking about. Some of my science and math professors look as if they have never seen a woman before, or got married to an ugly woman just to to have someone to give birth to and bring up their children. Anyway, I was happy that he actually remembered me from his class and said "Hello, how are you?" as I passed by. I was also embarrassed that I was such a mess when I took his class. I hope I will be able to marry someone like Dr. Ruiter one day.

Every day it gets easier to leave the house. Maybe it's the weather- it's almost spring. I can get up every day and go to school and not panic about whether I can cope with all those normal hassles- other students acting like a-holes, parking problems, homework, what to eat, when to eat, studying, starting conversations with people, spending money, etc., etc. etc.
My sister is wearing a hood today. I always think she looks like the Unabomber when she wears it. Meanwhile, she sits in front of the TV watching a movie on HBO she's already seen. I haven't heard her laugh once. The phone hasn't rung for her today.
My mom went to see John Q with her friend Brian. She invited me to go with her but I said no because I already have plans with my dad. Even if I didn't already have plans, I probably wouldn't go. If I did go, it would be perpetuating the cycle of dependence that I have with my mother. She chooses the movie, she pays for the ticket, I might as well be a bump on a log. Basically, I would be three undesirable things if I went: a parasite, a freeloader, and a third wheel.
Andrea grabs a Ferrer Rocher chocolate candy. Those things are delicious- delicious in a creamy, luxurious, indulgent way, unlike pizza, which is delicious in a delightfully slobby, piggish way. She doesn't think about the contents of the candy, while I, on the other hand, would obsess over them as if it made all the difference in the world. Chocolate, hazelnuts, FAT, milk, sugar.
I think Andrea wants to use the computer. She is going through social withdrawal and she needs a fix. Ha Ha. At least she has a social life. Interaction via computer- its the safest, most sanitary way of getting the job done. All is easily retracted with a stroke of the delete key. No germs exchanged. Even better if you're writing a weblog that nobody reads.