Weird day. It was a school holiday, but I still met with my advisor. Most of the time I feel OK talking to her, but once in a while I feel uncomfortable, like I am spewing a bunch of nonsense and she is sitting there angry and frustrated with me. Today was one of those times.
It didn't turn out too badly. I talked about how I am frustrated and unsure of what I'm supposed to be doing. She basically said that I need to ask more questions and not just sit around and let other people do things. So I said OK, not sure exactly how that intention is going to get translated into action.

My aunt's dog died. I am kind of sad now. It is always hard to bury a pet. I cried like a baby when my guinea pig died. I fell into my mom's arms so violently and cried so hard.
That dog was ours for awhile. I used to carry her around with me everywhere. I put her on a leash whenever I was home because I was so afraid of her running away. I was determined not to let this dog run out into the street and get run over like our other dog. Despite my vigilance, she managed to get out anyway. Early one morning she ran out into the street and under a van. Then she came out unscathed on the other side. Another time we came home late and she sat in the driveway, shivering.
One day I came home from school and she didn't look well. She looked lethargic and nothing like her usual hyper self. Her nose was dry, the telling sign of sickness in a dog. After a day of her being sick, I begged my mom to take her to the vet. It turned out she had parvo virus, a pretty serious disease for a puppy. A lot of dogs don't survive it, but she did. That dog cheated death so many times. She ran through the streets with people chasing after her countless times. It is ironic that she died in a vet's office under bizarre and tragic circumstances. It is just so hard when something dies, and you would do anything to get that thing back. If I could go back in time one day and say something, if only she hadn't gotten her teeth cleaned, if only she hadn't been put under anesthesia, if only, if only. Poor dog, I will miss you.

It's Sunday night and I'm going into panic mode. I am going to have to go back to it all tomorrow, the classes, the job, the commute, blech. I mean, if I got everything I wanted I still wouldn't be happy.
I am reading a book called Unveiled: The Secret Life of Nuns. It is really interesting. There was a point in my life where I considered becoming a nun. I started living sort of like a nun, very simply, I didn't buy clothes or watch TV, I became even more introspective than usual.
I guess what surprises me most about the nuns is how happy they are. For the most part, the nuns I have read about are so full of life and purpose. They even look young in their pictures. It just shows that it is possible to find happiness outside the "standard" life, the life where you go crazy trying to find a life partner, go crazy getting and keeping a job, paying bills, then have a couple of kids that drive you crazy, etc., etc.

What's up, loyal readership? Survivor isn't on this week, so I thought I'd take some time to mope over my life. I got kicked out of my office today, I mean, it's not really my office, it's more of a shared lab, but still, this guy is running all his experiments on my computer, which sucks.
It is so hot in here, it makes me want to do nothing but sleep. I took a nap for nearly 2 hours today. Somehow that made me feel even worse.
I hate my life sometimes. I hate to admit it to myself, but I am not doing enough. I am basically living the couch potato life. I have classes that I don't put all that much effort into, I have a job that I skimp on hours and allow myself to be silent and isolated, I spend about six hours a day watching TV and either nap or think about napping all the time, I am fat and not doing anything about it, I call myself a writer but don't write anything worth reading.

Midway through the week. I was crying last night, trying to think of a reason to keep on living. But today I feel much, much better, productive, not hopeless, living the honest life. I'm not worried.
I ordered a peach and pineapple smoothie in the morning, thinking it might be a good breakfast. It tasted pretty good. Then about an hour later I had that sugar letdown feeling, you know, when you've consumed three cans of Coke in a couple hours and suddenly you feel lethargic and want to take a nap. Too much sugar in the morning.
I have been so hungry lately. I had a salad from McDonald's and it was so amazingly good. Now I want pizza or a whole bag of popcorn coated with hot sauce. Yum. Then brownies or chocolate chip cookies for dessert. Food is good.

It's Monday. I'm back at work, resolving to work harder now. We'll see how long it takes for me to give into that temptation to sleep in another hour.
I sent my sister an e-mail but she hasn't e-mailed me back. I'm a little insulted by that. I know she must be busy, but couldn't she take like 5 minutes to e-mail a sister she hasn't been in touch with in weeks?
Yesterday was my grandma's birthday. She's 86. We went over to the house, saw the relatives, including my cousin's adorable baby. He is so cute. He's near the crawling phase. We put him on the floor and it looked like he was trying so hard to crawl, but he couldn't quite do it.
I had a bag of cherry bombers today. They were so good, soft and sweet the way I like them. I bought some last week that were hard and crusty, and I was so disappointed, but today's bag more than made up for that.

Here I am blogging at school in my shared office. It's spring break, no one is here, but I am. I actually kind of like it like this. I am free to blog and to goof off and no one really cares. My work's not really getting done, but who cares, do I need to remind you that it is spring break?
My beloved school is playing in the NCAA tournament right now. I'm checking the score via computer since I don't have a radio or TV in here. 4 points down, not too bad.
Who am I kidding being here? I may as well go home right now. I hope to God no one I know is reading this. It would be mortifying.
Last night was strange. It was like a spiritual revelation, I felt like everything was finally going to be OK. Out of all the time I've spent thinking about my life and my myriad problems, this was probably the only time I've come to a sense of peace about it.

Russell Crowe recommended these books during his interview on Oprah. I don't think I've ever seen any famous person take time to recommend books during an interview. It was very cool, very Russell Crowe. Strong, handsome, creative, and well-read? Too good to be true.

I just ate a carrot. I watched a movie called Sweet Sixteen. It's about a kid growing up in Scotland who sells drugs. I think the purpose of the movie is to outrage people, get people to say, we should help kids whose mothers are in prison so they don't get into drugs.

It's Sunday. I am so relaxed, looking forward to a long, luxurious week of break. Yesterday I went to my grandparents' house and played Skip-Bo. Then Mom, Mike's daughter Michelle, and I went to the Aerosmith concert. It was really awesome. They have so much energy, it makes you want to get up and jump around. Definitely one of the best concerts I've ever been to.

Alright, I'm just trying to make it to 4:30 tomorrow and then I will be the happiest person in the world. I blew off work today, just decided I wanted to sleep in until 10:30 and so I did. I did go to class, even studied for the quiz, but left immediately after.
I went to my account on this online dating site I signed up for, and I was really surprised that some guy had left me a message in December. I was really shocked, flattered, and if it weren't four months later then I might have actually signed up for the service and answered. But these online things are so weird sometimes, and I'm really inexperienced with it all, and by that I mean dating in general. I'm reading this book about how to catch a man in six weeks. It is really funny and I don't think it is meant to be taken literally- I was prepared to follow its advice to the letter if it would result in my meeting someone. But somehow I don't see myself hanging out at golf courses or rodeos just to meet a guy. The one piece of advice I will take away from the book is to not think about guys, or at least make it look like you don't. I didn't really notice how much I thought about guys until I consciously tried not to think about them. Before, every time I looked in the mirror I inevitably end up thinking, am I pretty enough that a member of the opposite sex would take notice? Why should I live like that?

What's up, everyone? I'll admit to being a slacker this morning, but it felt amazingly good to sleep. I am so energized now it is unbelievable.
It was really windy this morning. I heard a strange sound, a combination of thunder and the strongest wind I've ever heard. Boom. Then total silence. I felt like I was in the eye of a hurricane.
I have a quiz at 1:30. I hope it is easy.

Not much happening. My job is not going so well. I'm about to give up on the software system I'm working on. Debugging it is turning out to be hell on earth.
I was going to rent Mona Lisa Smile today as part of Buy One Get One Free Wednesday at Blockbuster. Now I'm feeling tired and I think I'm suffering from information overload. I spend maybe four hours a day reading. A lot of that is reading info off the Internet, not exactly analyzing great literature or studying my textbooks. I think I'm turning into an Internet junkie. If I'm bored or lonely or something's not going well, I will mindlessly tune into the Internet, as if that is really going to help my problems.

I am not looking forward to going to work today. I so wanted to sleep in at about 7:30 this morning. An hour later and I don't feel tired anymore. I figure I'll just take a half hour on the computer and that will make me feel so much better about going to work.

Test went OK. Pretty basic questions, no surprises. It was really warm today. It feels like spring at last. It makes me happy, but it also makes me feel sad and sentimental, like life is moving on right in front of my eyes. It reminds me of what was happening at this time in the past years, the time I was feeling depressed but bold, the time I messed up my life and then tried to get it back. I remember walking through campus back to my apartment, carrying two books under my arm, my palms getting sweaty because it was so hot. Is it possible ever to be happy again? The winter says no, the spring says yes. Most of all, spring reminds me of love, the warm glow of love that makes everything seem new.

I just remembered I have a test tomorrow. Darn. This week is going to be hard to get through. I can see a break in sight, five more days of working or at least pretending to do work, then I'm finally free. At this point I'm still in an undecided state about what I'm going to do in the future. I talked to my dad a little bit today, but it didn't help much. I am thinking of signing up for career counseling at school if they have it.

The verdict in the Martha Stewart case really shocked me. I haven't followed the case to where I know much about the details of the trial, but I think that the media circus surrounding the whole thing was shameful. One thing that really gets on my nerves is the Today show. On the one hand, they try to be a "serious" news show, covering national politics with Katie Couric and Matt Lauer asking some hard questions, as if they were on the evening news. But I don't think they need to have a daily report on Martha Stewart, top of the news, as if there were no bigger problems in the world to report on. You don't see them give much coverage to the war in Iraq. You do, however, see them give a lot of coverage to kidnapped children.
I think Martha Stewart gets a bad rep. So she can be demanding. Isn't that what makes her successful? Few people in the world have what it takes to make that much money. To do it, you have to be tough and hard and business-minded.
The movie on her life was ridiculous. It wasn't balanced at all, it just showed her as a shrewish woman without a shred of compassion for anyone. And then the trial itself, I mean, one day the women on The View were discussing her handbag. This is a trial, I mean, shouldn't they talk more about the facts of the case than about her handbag?
I think society is still threatened by a woman with that much power. The Late Show with Conan O'Brien frequently parodied Martha as a devil, and the message they're sending is that any woman who dares to go out and get all that power for herself is definitely a (rhymes with witch). How dare you be unfeminine.

It's 8:42 and I'm totally slacking this morning. I wish I could just take today off. Theoretically I could but I have a bunch of work to do and a meeting at 11:30. I want to take a long, refreshing nap and eat a really good lunch and watch the documentaries I rented.
My aunt and I have been e-mailing each other lately. I e-mailed her a short message and was pleasantly surprised when she wrote back with a long response. It surprises me because she's never written a letter to me or, to my knowledge, any of my siblings or cousins. Also, she is not the most talkative person in the world and tends to not want to get very involved with the family. But there was that message, about five paragraphs long, all about her life up in Washington. Interesting. Could it be that she's lonely, or feels guilty for not seeing the family very often? Maybe it's just more convenient for her to e-mail than to write a letter. Or maybe she's just bored.
Career interest of the day: tech writing. Pays well, plays to my strengths, possibility of telecommuting, possibility of working on contract, which seems like a cool idea. Stay tuned for tomorrow's career of the day.

School of Rock. That is a really cool movie. Go rent it today if you haven't seen it already.
It's a blustery day. Windy and cold, so unpleasant to walk up the mountain to my parked car.
I went to hear this talk from a potential new CS faculty member. It was pretty interesting, and I even got to talk to the guy after class. He's from New York, a fact that is endlessly charming to me, what with the accent and managing to mention Grand Central Station in conversation.
Work, well, let's just say I have got the software from hell. I'm hoping that this is the last time we have to install it. I hate feeling so incompetent, but it's not really my fault that it doesn't work no matter what I do.

Guess what? Comments are back! If you're out there reading this, please leave a comment, if nothing else, just to show that it works.
My mood has gone up and down all day. A relatively good morning. Happy I got to return home before 12:00 pm.
Then I was really grumpy about having to make a trip to the post office to return pantyhose. Yes, pantyhose. And I had to write a letter basically stating to Silkies pantyhose corporation: Please DO NOT send me anymore pantyhose!
Then I was so happy before I went to class. It was beautiful and sunny and I was feeling so relaxed. Then having to wait in class for 15 minutes for the professor to show up, thinking, I should try to talk to someone, but being too chicken to do it. Everyone probably thinks I'm a snob, but oh, well, who cares? I didn't really feel like starting yet another conversation about the class, the test, the professor, when I'm going to graduate, my other classes, or anything like that, so basically I sat there and shut up.
Then more happy news: I rented School of Rock and a few other movies. Sad news now: the sky is overcast.
I'll try to make this blog more interesting from now on. I mean, now that I have comments, now that this is a real blog. My main goal: content improvement.

I have been writing a lot lately, but not in this blog, in my paper journal and my other private blog. Mostly long rants, thinking about what I want to do in the future. I've been debating staying in grad school. Yesterday I was ready to quit, today I'm not so sure. I'm so confused and really scared. I know what my heart is telling me to do, but the world can be cold and harsh and unpredictable, and that makes me want to keep going in something I can be sure of.
I wanted to talk to my mom about it but she is going out tonight- again. That makes me really angry. I know I'm 21 now but I still need my mom sometimes.