Looks like I have a job interview next week. We'll see how this one goes. I complain about not having any job offers, then this happens and well, it is not the answer to all my prayers, let's put it that way. But it's something.

Test today went OK. I'm more afraid of the presentation on Wed. Number of times I have read through the whole paper: 0. I have less than two days to become an expert. Tomorrow will be busy.

I tried to quit drinking soda for two days. I caved today because I had such a headache. A dull headache that didn't go away for like 8 hours. I'm also trying to cut back on the junk food. I already feel better and don't really even crave it, so that's good.

Hey people. Not much to report. I'm bored, I have a test tomorrow. I have a presentation to give on Wed. and I have less than two weeks to finish my thesis. The stress is getting to me. Beyond that, I'm wondering what is going to happen when school is over come December. I've applied for a couple of jobs but have not heard back from either place. I'm feeling very lost, very confused. I mean, I can't just sit around and not have a job. But I am not mentally prepared to go out looking for jobs, I feel like such a failure, I don't even know what the hell I'm doing, don't even know what kind of job I want.

Stupid thing happened today. I went to put gas in the car. I spend like ten minutes trying to position my car next to the pump since it is an awkward space. I finish filling up the tank, I reverse the car and then put it in drive and try to turn right, then this purple minivan comes out of nowhere and swipes the front bumper of my car. I was OK, thank God, and the people in the van were OK, thank God, but I was pretty upset. The car license plate holder was pulled off my car, leaving huge scratches across the front bumper. I just bought this car and look what I do to it. I guess I really should be grateful that it wasn't worse. I don't know whose fault it was, I know I wasn't really paying the greatest attention but the lady driving the van was going pretty fast for being in a parking lot. She was not angry at me, and I wasn't angry at her, more angry at myself and wishing that crap like this would stop happening to me. I've already been in a car accident this year, I didn't need another one. I am already in fear every time I drive. Well, whoever's fault it was I felt horrible about it and I broke down and cried for an hour after it happened because I feel like I can't do anything right lately.

There are basically two branches of knowledge: the sciences (engineering, medicine, technology, etc.) and the humanities (literature, history, art, etc.). I have always been of the opinion that the science and engineering stuff were more important. More substantial, harder, more based in reality, and of more value to society. So when it came time to decide in college, I chose engineering over liberal arts. Five years later I have a sense of how computers work, how electricity works, and how software works and I will always be grateful to have that perspective on the world (at the expense of my essay-writing skills, which have obviously atrophied over the years). But after studying math and science and computers for the past few years I feel like I am severely lacking in any appreciation for the arts.

Most of the inspiration for this post comes from part of an interview with George Lucas on this subject. He said that the technology is the "how" of doing things, but the stories are the "why" of doing them, and you can't have one without the other. I thought this was an interesting way of looking at things. Say you have all the technology in the world- nuclear weapons, space ships, supercomputers- but why build them? You have a country with an enormous amount of engineering talent, but how should that talent be used? There needs to be understanding of history, understanding of culture, and understanding of people in order to make the best use of that talent, so that we're not just a bunch of barbarians blowing each other up. On the other hand, if you have the finest art and literature the world has ever known but have no infrastructure, no medical or technological advances, that's a pretty limiting society as well.

This is very different for me, since I've always had this attitude that novels and poems and even movies were mostly fluffy stories, made-up and good for entertainment purposes but little else. I always thought it was kind of pointless to analyze novels and stories and to study made-up characters. I still think it's kind of a weird thing to do, but I suppose my point is that I'm coming around a little and I can see that it can be worthwhile to study the arts. That it's valuable to study history because history inevitably repeats itself. That it's valuable to study literature because there is a lot to learn from it about human nature and about life in general. That appreciating art proves that I have a soul and am not just an analytical machine. It's definitely a new perspective for me. I suppose that I'm at a point where I'm realizing that a lot of questions don't have an answer in math and logic and reason and I don't know where else to turn.

I didn't work today. I got to see Lost and the World Series. Sorry, baggiegenes, your team lost.

I finished A History of God by Karen Armstrong. I use the term "finished" loosely because the last 100 pages or so I just skimmed. I was expecting to read the book and find that it mostly advocated atheism and the idea that God is just an illusion. But that is not what happened. More than ever I believe God is real, and that it's no accident that most major religions have the same ideas about God. It was such an interesting book even if it got tedious at times. There are so many ways to look at God, through reason, through symbolic principles, through mysticism. As a kid I was always taught that other religions were wrong, that they were simplistic and the followers of those religions focused on rules and good works to get them into heaven. But that's not the whole story and I think I'm more open to other perspectives about God, especially in Islam.

I was in a weird mood today. I dropped my sister off at college, a long trip but I was glad to be able to talk to my sister, or rather listen to her talk about the stuff she's been doing at college. Then I went to class, then home, then to work. I felt really groggy the whole time. I think I just need to exercise and cut back on the sugar. That'll clear the cobwebs out of my mind.

I've been thinking about the difference between humans and machines. My thesis project is about this in a roundabout way, since it's about the difference between human speech and computer-generated speech. The scary thing is that one day it will be impossible to draw the line. What if you couldn't tell whether you were speaking to a computer or to a human? That would definitely freak me out.

I think about how I am sort of like a machine. My job is such that it could conceivably be done by a computer. I get bored with my job but a computer wouldn't know the difference, it would just do what it's told every single day, and it would probably be more accurate at it, too. I'm a cog in the wheel, and it really doesn't matter how I feel, whether I'm tired, sad, bored or ecstatically happy, as long as the job gets done. It's all the same series of actions, whether I do them or a machine does. It's kind of weird how expendable I am.

I finally turned in my graduation application. I had been putting it off for three weeks but within one hour I managed to collect all the appropriate signatures and pay the fee. I also turned in some very, very rough drafts of a couple more chapters of my thesis. So things are progressing.

Life is a competition. I don't like to think in those terms, but it is reality. Money. Jobs. Schools. Grades. Friends. Mates. The pursuit of all the above involves some form of competition.

I got all emotional listening to some classical guitar music this morning. I hadn't heard anything so beautiful in a long time. I'm constantly surrounded by music, on the TV blaring, Top 40 radio playing the same five tunes while I'm driving, but something about this music hit me inside. Maybe because I used to play classical guitar for awhile and it reminds me of how my guitar teacher played. Or because I was really listening to it and letting it affect me instead of letting it be background music.

Another day. I feel like such a loser. Still wondering what I'm going to do job-wise. Clueless about what to do about my non-existent social life. I should be writing like mad for my thesis. I've done a little more work, but not nearly enough. This, people, is what you call angst. Things are OK, everything is taken care of, my life has settled down to a manageable level of stress and yet. I can't get off my duff long enough to do anything. Go to bed at 1:30 and get up at 10. When I'm not in class or at work or watching Lost, I sit at the computer and alternate writing parts of my thesis project and reading websites like kottke.org. I need to get back into the real world, have a conversation with someone who is not my mom. Make eye contact with a person instead of with a computer. Sometimes I think the best thing for me would be to move out on my own. Maybe then I could have my own life, live as an adult with responsibilities instead of like a kid in high school.

I haven't felt like I've done a good job at anything lately. I'm OK at my job, I suck at school but I'm still doing it, I'm fulfilling my duties as a daughter but don't help out as much as I should at home, I'm too shy and most of the time duck out without even attempting to talk to anyone at school or work. I just haven't had that feeling of success, no matter how minor, even if it is just a "Good job" or something.

I know this is depressing and repetitive. Yeah. And all I ever write about or care about is me, me, me. So change it. I know, I know, I KNOW. I hear the advice in my head about fifty times a day. I'm just discouraged, feel like I'm living in some kind of place where things I do don't matter, I don't matter, it doesn't really matter whether I'm happy with my life or not, I'm like a tree, I'm surviving.

I've been offline the past couple days since the modem has been acting funny and there was some kind of virus that attacked Internet Explorer every time I opened it. But I'm back on the Internet, thanks to SpyBot and some tech support from the cable company. Yay.

I applied for a job today. A job in Las Cruces, which I doubt I will get. Even if I do get offered the job, I don't know if I would take it since I would have to either a) move to Las Cruces or b) commute 45 min. each way every weekday. But the job sounds pretty interesting, so we'll see what happens.

I didn'g get much else done today besides sending off my resume and transcripts. I was going to get my graduation application signed by my advisor. I waited for 45 min. outside his office, but he was with another student and so I decided to put it off yet another day. I don't go to school every day and every time I go there I never seem to get a hold of this person. Frustrating. I guess I will have to be more persistent.

What I was watching at 5:00 today: Blossom, the E! True Hollywood story. Unbelievable that it aired so long ago and I remember watching it. More unbelievable is that they made an E! True Hollywood story out of it.

I'm home again. After driving for twenty minutes in the pouring rain to school, walking the couple of blocks from my car to my thesis advisor's office (it's still pouring and I get soaking wet), then finding out that he is not there for the Jewish holiday. Then walking back to my car and driving all the way back. Now that's what I call a productive day.

I've been having a weird time of it lately. Yesterday I went to the library and checked out "What Should I Do With My Life?" for the second time. Yup, I wasn't able to answer the question the first time, so I am checking it out again, ha ha. Half the time I think it doesn't really matter what I do as long as I'm earning money. Instead of thinking about stupid philosophical stuff I should be finishing my thesis project and figuring out how to do stuff on the computer and applying for jobs. But then there is that other part of me, the petulant slacker, the Scarlett Johanssen character from Lost in Translation. I'm 23 years old and I still can't get my act together. I can't figure out what I want. I can't figure out what I should do. I've felt this way for years. It feels like years since I've cared about anything.

I guess I'm wondering what can I expect out of life? I don't want to expect too much, I don't want to be one of those types of people who wants to have it all and complains all the time because things aren't exactly the way they want them to be. At what point do you say, this is as good as it's going to get?

How do I explain this? OK so I'm in my last semester of grad school. I'm dragging my feet on finishing my thesis and on keeping up with my one class. I have a job I took over the summer, a job working at a newspaper that I took because I think working at a newspaper is cool. But now I'm kind of stuck in the middle. I don't really know what I'm doing in grad school, I'm not planning to pursue the research area my master's is in as a career. I don't know what I'm doing at the newspaper, either, though. I don't want to be a reporter, and I don't really know what other kinds of jobs I could do there. I'm half-heartedly searching for jobs that I'm qualified for, i.e. government jobs or corporate jobs in the area. But I don't know if I can stand that kind of life. I want to work on something I believe in, something that I like doing. I don't want to sign up for something just for the money.

And yet, it's all a big mess in my head. I'm so shy. I'm so shy I have a hard time functioning sometimes, like I can't even ask a professor to sign my application for graduation even though now I'm going to have to pay a late fee. I'm so shy that I rarely say more than ten words to my boss at work and would rather e-mail him than talk to him even if he is sitting five feet away from me. A part of me just wants a job where I can do my work and not be bothered, no matter what that job is. Even if it's the most boring job in the world. That's a lame way to look at things, I know, but I can't stand office politics. I loathe meetings, I hate confrontations with co-workers, I could not manage people to save my life, and I could not sell things to save my life, either. That narrows things down for me. Maybe it would be a good thing not to work in a full-time professional job. I could continue living at home, working part-time jobs until I find something I like. On the other hand, maybe I should just grow up and learn to play "the game" right now because I'm going to have to do it eventually. I fear I'm going to turn into more of an overgrown teen-aged bum, sitting around at home watching daytime TV.

Right now I am a blank slate. I really have no ambitions. Truly. I swear to you, I don't have any goals, other than to squeak by and graduate with my master's and to have a part-time job so I can pay my credit card bill each month. I guess what I fear most, more than being a twenty-three-year-old bum with a master's degree, is getting suckered into settling for a job that I don't even like, but that I do because I feel obligated, because I want to be "independent" and to get that independence I have to work for some corporation or some government agency for the next 20 or more years so that I can earn a pension. Does life have to be like that? I suppose not, but I'm not the type of person who can rustle up jobs just like that. I'd probably end up on aforementioned couch while I'm not working at an unchallenging part-time job that I'm overqualified for. Now's the time to get a "real" job, now's the time when it would be easiest to get my foot in the door, and yet I'm not doing it because I'm playing the part of immature 20-something slacker. OK, so, seriously, someone tell me what I should do.

Random musings about MOTOS: This professor for one of my classes seems like a really nice person. Today he talked to me about to suggest a paper for me to present. And he smelled really good, like mint, and it was just so surprisingly pleasant. Sigh. Same class, this guy passes me going to the parking lot and says, "Good presentation" after (another) presentation. I don't know why this guy bothered to talk to me since I don't ever try to talk to him and we don't really see each other much in or out of class, but it was nice of him to say that. And I have this idea in my mind that I should try to talk to him again and try to get to know him, just to see what kind of person he is. But I don't because it's too awkward. Because maybe what he said meant nothing, for all I know he said that to every person in the class who presented that day. He probably didn't even think about it at all, it was just a random thing that popped into his mind when he saw me. Maybe he's actually a complete jerk. Who knows? I'm probably never going to find out.

I'm almost done with my homework, or at least as "done" as it's going to get. There's nothing like this to remind me that I am no expert in Java despite using it for the past 4 years.

I miss my music. I'm used to listening to my MusicMatch playlist while I'm working on the computer, but the voltage converter thingy got lost in the move and I haven't had time to buy another one. Oh well, silence is golden and it's probably better for my concentration anyway.

Hey, Matli. Definition of cold: when it is too cold to go outside without a jacket. Usually when the highs are mid-70s (Fahrenheit). I've never been skiing or ice skating, but something tells me the fun of it would be outweighed by my aversion to cold.

I spent a couple of hours today trying to figure out AspectJ. Good news: the code compiles. Bad news: I still don't know what the heck I'm doing. Assignment is due tomorrow at midnight, which would be OK except I have to work tonight and tomorrow night and I'm going to be at church all morning tomorrow, which leaves late tonight and tomorrow afternoon. Great.

I'm trying really hard to have a better attitude about school. Last night I sat down and thought about and came to the following conclusion: I have to finish school no matter what. No matter how much I am having doubts about my future career path or how much I have become disillusioned with my thesis topic or no matter what jerks professors can be sometimes. This is just one of those unpleasant things in life that come along that I am going to have to do even if I (REALLY) don't feel like it. The cost of not finishing is much greater than the cost of finishing so I have to finish.

I finally got a little bit of work done on my thesis project. Yay, some results. And my homework for my other class is not due until Sunday. So that's good.

Today was the first cold day of fall. Sadness. I hate winter.

I don't know what to write. Same stuff I've written before, copy it and set it to post every single day. That's what I feel. Tough times don't last forever and I am being a drama queen. Not like I have such a hard life but there is something wrong with not feeling like doing anything, just sitting in front of the TV all day moping.

Randomly surfing blogs, I found this one with adorable puppy photos. I just love puppies.

I just talked to my sister on the telephone. I haven't heard her voice in a couple of months or so. She asked me about work and I said I was kind of bored with it. Yeah, I am. I admit to it.

It felt pretty good to come home and destress with a few hours of tube time. Lost and CSI:NY and a taped episode of The Amazing Race. Balm to my weary mind.

I watched the President's press conference yesterday morning. How did people elect this man to be our president? I think a president should at least be able to express ideas clearly and eloquently. I always end up laughing at some of the stuff said at his press conferences. His manner is so awkward and he seems so defensive like, why are these people interrogating me? They're the press, it's their job.

A reporter asked the President how he was going to bridge the divide between rich and poor. Bush went on for a few minutes but the real answer was: I'm going to do nothing. I'm going to keep spurring on the economy (e.g. giving tax breaks to the rich), keep signing bills like No Child Left Behind (underfunded with mixed results), and I'm going to keep funding faith-based initiatives (blur the separation between church and state). He also mentioned the ownership society idea, but come on. Imagine a person on welfare, struggling to make ends meet, how is it feasible for that person to buy a home? Bush doesn't have any real solutions for the problem of poverty. Heck, he doesn't even have any good rhetoric, just the same unsatisfying answers he used during the election. I feel sad for this country. Really, I do. It's not even that I disagree with conservative values, which I do, but Bush just seems so unqualified to be President and he seems to be making one foolish decision after another.

I had a productive morning. I went to work to pick up my check then to the bank. I went to get the address on my driver's license changed but left because the wait was going to be soooo long. I changed it online instead. God bless the Internet.

I'm now trying to work on homework and hashing through the results of my experiment. Trying not to have such a bad attitude about the whole thing. You know what, I wish I didn't have to do all this. I don't say that flippantly, I mean, I really, really want to quit and if I weren't two months away from the end I certainly would.

I skipped church today so I could sleep late. It felt soooo good to sleep. I'm so fed up with feeling tired all the time. It's been all I can think about in the past few weeks. Things should be changing soon.

It is an ugly gray day. Last night I spent an hour reading Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell. Pretty good book, if dark. I haven't thought about history in a very long time.

I'm grumpy and I'm no fun. It seems like forever since I went out anywhere that was nonessential. I feel like I'm busy all the time but I do have time to sit around and watch TV and play around on the Internet. I guess it's a matter of finding stuff to do outside of the house and making time for it. The other day I got an e-mail from my Italian teacher from last year about some upcoming classes. I was tempted to sign up but I am already out 4 nights a week, I think 5 would be too much. Plus I don't have much money to spend these days.

It occurred to me that I need to spend some time alone just figuring out stuff. That's how I "recharge my batteries" if you will, by spending some time thinking about things like what is really important to me. When I don't have time to put things in perspective I end up becoming a self-absorbed jerk. It is a paradox that the less "alone time" I have the more self-absorbed I become, but I guess what it is is that when I really stop to think about things I realize how insignificant my life is, how insignificant my problems are compared to others in the world. I realize that I have to surrender to something larger than myself because otherwise I end up hating myself. I don't know why that is, but it is true.

I can't figure out if I am going to like living in this new house. I really like that we live next to the desert and we get a great view of the mountain. I also like the house itself with its high ceilings and abundant natural light. My mom fixed up the house very nicely with her taste in wall colors and carpeting. I guess the only thing I might not like is that it's just not home to me. I grew up in a different part of town and from an early age I had certain pre-conceived notions about this area, that somehow it wasn't as good. I guess this will be a learning experience.

Anyway, so I feel like I am turning into a misanthrope. Of course it doesn't help that I've been so tired lately. My cheerfulness level directly correlates with the amount of sleep I've had. Lately both have been at very low levels. I trudge on through school, through my one and only scheduled class and through my thesis project. I feel like my thesis project has turned into a joke. But I don't care any more. Just let me get my diploma and I am out of there. I feel so resigned to my fate. I'm thinking about the future, of course, because what else could I be thinking about. I wonder if I could work for an entity that makes weapons. If it would be morally wrong. I wonder if anyone would hire me or if they would but then they would fire me when they found out that I'm a huge fraud and can't write a good program worth a damn. I'm running out of options here. I like the job I have now but liking it isn't good enough when I have no health benefits and am still living at home. Oh yeah and that little thing about getting no sleep. I just feel like I can't deal right now. Most of all I want someone to understand, which really no one does. If I can't get that, then I want to be left alone. That's all.