I spent all morning and until 1:30 half doing homework, half watching TV. Then I went to physics. Then I visited the TA for Computer Architecture to go over some questions on the homework assignment. I bought some M&Ms in the Union and sat down at one of the round tables in the courtyard. It was almost deserted. After I finished the M&Ms I bought a Vanilla Coke. I drank a quarter of it and walked back to my apartment. Then I watched Millionaire, the show where it pays to have watched Falcon Crest back in the 80s. I skimmed some of the DBM and SE reading and made myself some movie theater butter popcorn. Dinner, I guess you could call it.
Then I yawned my way through DBM. I locked myself in the bathroom stall and did some deep breathing exercises. My palms were sweaty. I put on my 'don't talk to me I hate all people' face. I recited the 23rd Psalm in my head. I sat there hoping I wouldn't have to say anything, that I could just let other people talk and I would just listen. I pulled out some homework, read through the manual I'd read ten times before, and prayed for the moment to pass.

Today was not good. Last night I tried unzipping a file and I got a message saying my computer is low on memory. So I uninstalled all the fun stuff on my computer- QuickTime, RealPlayer, games, Seti@Home, everything :(. It's not a crisis, but it makes me wish I could buy a new computer, but I can't because I am a poor student.
Then I didn't read for SE class so I failed a quiz. I honestly didn't know any of the answers on the quiz, and I'm really embarrassed because I just made up stuff that turned out to be totally wrong.
D-Requirements are Developer Requirements, not nonessential requirements, which is the answer I put. Duh.
I need to exercise, I think, because I am so lethargic. I sleep too much. Plus I am overweight and out of shape. Ugh.
As much as I want to quit being so shy, it is really, really hard. I don't even know if I want to change. I'm reasonably happy- why should I? I just don't have that overriding desire that will get my butt out of my desk chair. Why do people have to be such jerks? I was in my SE group today and, as usual, I felt really weird, like I don't want to say something because I'm afraid that it will be totally wrong. I just can't get over that.

Unfortunately my parents have been getting on my nerves. I do want to help my mom a lot, but I help her and she bosses me around and corrects me when I'm doing something different from the way she does it. Like she asked me to cut something with a knife and then I started just cutting it real quick on the counter and then she said, not on the formica. I can kind of see her point, but I wasn't going to cut all the way through, of course. Kind of insignificant, yet still proving that she's my mom and even though I'm *20 years old* and have *moved out of the house* she still treats me like a kid who doesn't know any better. It kind of reminds me why I moved out in the first place.
Then there's my dad. He is the most passive-aggressive person on the face of the earth, I swear. Even if something annoys him for months, he will not say anything about it, and then one day out of the blue he will just explode. We were having lunch at Taco Cabana and my sister was talking about her job hunt and my dad mentioned something about political spoils and my sister was like, well, how did what I said bring up this lecture on politics. She was rude, but she usually is about that kind of stuff, and my dad just sucks it up with a little grimace and changes the subject. This time my dad was stewing- he said nothing while my sister and I discussed monks setting themselves on fire, then a minute later said something along the lines of, I can't say anything to you, I always have to be so careful about what I say to you. And my sister was genuinely hurt, said nothing about it for awhile, but I think she started crying a little on the way home.
This little game is nothing new for my family. My dad has done that to everyone basically. He lets you pretty much step all over him, in effect martyring himself, then when he's had enough he plays it against you so as to make himself the victim and you the bad guy. And he's really good at it. When you bring this up to him, he has all the arguments in the world- he has a whole catalog of your "offenses" to use as ammunition. So then you end up feeling like this is all your fault and that you are an insensitive jerk.
Over the years I've learned how to handle my dad. I don't really joke around with him very much because I know a lot of times he takes it the wrong way. I never ever criticize him, and, sorry to say, I generally try to stay out of his life because you never know what is going to offend him. This is why I have trouble trusting my dad- he has hurt me one too many times. I mean, who likes to feel like a jerk? I think he needs Dr. Phil :), or some kind of doctor anyway.
Well there goes my rant about my parents. Maybe this is why I'm so emotionally insecure. What do you think- does my family qualify as dysfunctional? I've been asking myself that question for years.

It's so late and thanks to last night's rude awakening at 4 AM my sleeping pattern is all messed up. I know I'm being ridiculously self-indulgent, but there is crap on my mind. Like how I watch so much TV it is ridiculous. I know that this time will pass and soon I may be swamped with work. In fact I could be doing work right now, I just don't want to since I'm bleary-eyed and a little tired and I just want to sort stuff out for good. I can't plan out how my life is going to turn out, I just have to leave it in God's hands. What is His will? That's all I can do. That is what I pray for.
I got an e-mail from my sister from freezing cold Iowa. And here I am in my swelteringly hot bedroom at midnight, sweating and turning down the thermostat. I am lucky.
I started watching City of Angels but quickly remembered why I don't really like that movie. Nicholas Cage is so boring. So he's an angel, but can't angels smile once in a while, or at least not look like a mannequin for most of the movie? And then she has to die at the end, of course, in this stupid accident.
Maybe I should look for another job. I need something to do. Something, anything, that is more interesting than this.
My car is busted. Not totally, just that the steering is kind of off. Every time I turn it makes this weird noise, and sometimes it makes this long noise that sounds like a rusty gate, and that really scares me. Even so I think I'll wait until the summer to actually do something about it, if I can wait that long.
I saw this book at the library the other day- Conversations with God. Who would write a book like that- do they actually talk to God? That seems really weird to me. I believe in prayer, but still something about that book seems not right.

It really is starting to bother me how little I've accomplished as far as homework over the past few days. I have this little blue assignment book where I write little notes to myself, i.e. start physics homework or make copies or whatever, and I've done hardly one thing since Thursday.
It's no secret that I'm not exactly happy with my major. I don't really place any undue importance on it, as if it defines my whole life. But here's the deal: every time I think about what I really, really want to do with my life, it does not include being stuck in an office eight hours a day. I've always wanted to be a journalist, so I'm thinking about going to journalism school after I graduate. If that doesn't pan out, then I don't know what else I'll do. Get a cushy tech job and be secretly frustrated for the rest of my life? Possibly.
Anyway, it's hard for me to get excited about this future job that I'm supposed to be preparing for.

I've spent most of the past 24 hours with my mom. Sometimes I think I spend too much time over there, and maybe I do, but for now I don't care. I keep thinking about when people die and how they are gone for good, and after someone dies how you would just give anything to spend that extra 15 minutes or whatever just talking to her, or watching TV with her, or just knowing that she is alive.
I never knew my grandfather very well. I think my clearest memory of him is when we visited him at the house he and my grandma moved to after they left the farm. I remember him in the backyard, going into the tool shed to get something. The backyard used to be so beautiful- it had pecan trees, and beautiful roses. The grass used to be very plush and my sisters and I would do cartwheels on it. Being so young, I didn't think much about my grandpa being sick and that someday I would be sad that I never really knew him, never really had a chance to experience who he was. I was eight years old and I remember being at the hospital disgusted that I wasn't old enough to go visit my grandpa, not really because I wanted to see him, just that I couldn't and I had to wait with my sisters in the waiting room. The last year or so of his life he was so sick that he was in the hospital constantly, and we rarely saw him. Even before that, he had taken a bad fall down some stairs which made him not himself.
There is a picture of him holding me in his lap, taken at some family party when I was four years old. Of course I don't really remember that time at all. My grandpa loved me a whole lot when I was a kid, and there is something very comforting about that.

I usually write here to complain about my problems, but things are actually going pretty well. I called my dad last night and it really helped to talk about things. I even got my computer program to run. I went to class today and I got started with my software engineering team. It turns out that I've met everyone on my team at least once, which is cool, and they aren't jerks. I really like that class. Not so for computer architecture, unfortunately.
I haven't gotten to the point where I am inundated with homework, but I have a feeling that I will not be as overwhelmed as I was last semester. I'm not working, for one thing, and sure software class is hard, but at least it's a group effort and it doesn't involve coding, which is not my strong point. Maybe it's just that the weather is beautiful and warm :). Well, whatever it is, I am shamelessly optimistic. Life is good.

I have a headache today, and I'm really cranky. My stupid computer project doesn't work. It is days like this that make me question the value of technology.

I spent today at my mom's house, as usual. I talked and laughed with my aunt who is staying at the house for awhile. I think that she is the most giving person I know- she really knows how to take care of people. We watched the football games on TV, then the Golden Globes, and my mom's friends came over for awhile, too, so I talked with them some. I won't pretend that this is my ideal social life, but it's nice to feel loved and accepted, and to have other human beings around, and to talk. It makes me feel like a warm-blooded human being and reminds me that "You are never alone." It feels that way sometimes, but we are all bound together by our common humanity.

I don't know if it's better to just go through life blissfully ignorant, or to keep striving for something better, even if it is something you know you will never get.
I went to see my mom today. She is OK, talking and joking and basically back to her usual self. That is so good. I'm really glad that she is doing so well.
I rented the movie About a Boy a few days ago. If my life were a movie....well, it comes close. I remember I saw it at the theater and I laughed so much. It came out around my birthday, and I asked my dad to take me to see it. I ate a whole bag of candy during the movie and didn't even share with him. That climactic scene with Hugh Grant is so hilarious, and he is just so cute. And all those funny British words.

Feeling really, really sad, like hole in the soul sad, like scared out of my mind sad, like I don't belong in this world sad.

I tried to take a little break from writing, seeing as I've been writing a lot of self-indulgent drivel as usual. But today I am kind of troubled because my mom is having surgery tomorrow. She is having a hysterectomy. My mom is going to be 50 this year. I am going to be there with her tomorrow, and I hope I can visit her when it is over and take her flowers. I'm going to be staying at home for a couple of days, too, to take care of my sister.
Sometimes I feel so selfish, like all that matters in this world is me and what can I do for me, and how can I get ahead. Sometimes I feel so self-important, like it's really so important that I am in this software engineering class, and that I'm going to have a degree soon. I catch myself being arrogant and self-absorbed and I hate it. I see professors that take themselves too seriously, and I hope that I'll never be like that. It's kind of exciting to think that I could have a cool job one day, and earn respect and make money. But it's also sad and lonely sometimes when I think about leaving my family behind, how much I will end up sacrificing to have this "successful" life. Does it have to be that way, though? Do I have to turn into an arrogant jerk to get the things I want out of life?
I've been reading the Bible a lot lately, and I try to follow what it says, but it is hard to do. The story that is fresh in my mind is the one about the rich young man who asked Jesus what he should do to inherit eternal life, and Jesus told the man to sell all he had and give to the poor and then follow Him. I'm not rushing off to sell everything I have, but it bothers me how important things have become to me, like my apartment and my savings and my tv, books, movies, and magazines, my college education, my looks. It would be hard to give it all up, really hard. How much do the things of this world really matter, when it counts, you know, when we die?

My sisters and I went out to dinner with my dad today, like we usually do, and I started to get really upset. I can't stand it when people start saying hurtful things to each other, putting the guilt trips on each other, bringing up old grudges from the past. I hate to listen to it and I hate to get involved in it. I didn' t say anything about it, but I felt like saying, shut up, you know, these people are your family, your flesh and blood. And my dad treats us so well considering how little we really have to do with him- I think he spent over $70 on dinner tonight. I feel like we're in one of those stupid movies about rich people- people who have everything yet are still unhappy because they are so emotionally disconnected and distressed over the boredom and lack of meaning in their lives. We're not even that rich :).
Anyway, I just felt sad. Even with my own family I still feel like an outsider, like I'm not good enough for them sometimes. I guess we get along well enough considering that we're so different and how the past few years have been. I don't think I can expect any more than what I already have.
I read something in a magazine today: "Failure's hard, but success is far more dangerous. If you're successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever."
It's from a book titled What Should I Do with My Life?, which might as well be the title of this blog. I have a simple theory about this, which I've heard reiterated time and time again, which is do what you love. Sometimes I get so discouraged about this, because what I love is writing, and from where I am now I am not headed in that direction. A voice in my brain tells me I'll never be a writer, that I'll never make a living at it anyway, and I'll end up stuck in some job. That doesn't have to happen, and I know it, but it will take work to get me from here to there.
And it occurs to me that there are a lot of questions I have asked myself to which I have already known the answers. So many times I've ignored those answers, too, and gone in different directions only to find myself in places I didn't really want to be in, but I'm finding them more and more now, listening less to the outside voices and more to the inside ones.

Here it is Friday afternoon, the last real day of my winter vacation, also my last day of work. No formalities or long goodbyes, just "Ya stubo" and then my boss remembered it was my last day and told me when to pick up my last paycheck. Now I'm going to the movies with my sister and we are going to be late.

I don't believe in psychics, but I'm still thinking about that stupid website about the meaning of my name. I don't really know how cookies work, but could that have something to do with it? Or am I just trying to believe so much that I see myself in that generalized description that, unfortunately, fits a lot of women with my name, and a lot of women in general? I typed in a couple of other names and the descriptions that came up didn't quite fit the people I know with those names.
Here's the link, in case you're interested: what does your name mean?
Anyways, I am getting very bored. I can't believe how boring my life is.
I went to the dentist today, finally, more than a month after I wrote here about my painful tooth. Besides my junk food habits, the fact that I haven't been to the dentist in over a year probably wasn't too good for my poor teeth. I'm scheduled for a bonding on Thursday.
I spent some time looking up recipes on the Internet and
this looks like a really good salad which I might actually try after the next time I go grocery shopping. Usually I buy stuff intending to cook during the week but never do. I have a whole head of cauliflower in my vegetable drawer, a few tomatoes, a zucchini, and some other stuff that are probably about a month old. Which reminds me, although this is not really related to what I was talking about, this morning I realized that the milk I bought yesterday expires today. Stupid. Anyway, back to original train of thought-
I used to like to cook when I lived at home, but now that I live by myself I rarely cook because I know that 1) whatever I make is going to probably be too much, so I'm going to have enough leftovers for a week, by which time I'll be sick of whatever it is, 2) I have to clean up all the dishes, 3) I'm lazy and it's faster, easier, and often tastier to grab some fast food or munch on snacks.
I rented Signs, and got about halfway through it because my DVD player is retarded. It's a pretty good first half. It looks a lot like Close Encounters of the Third Kind, which I also really enjoyed. I like a lot of alien movies, now that I think about it: Contact (one of my favorites of all time), ET, even Mission to Mars (though the ending was kind of disappointing).
OK I'll stop sharing about my boring, boring life. I'm making myself fall asleep. So goodbye until I feel compelled to write again or something interesting actually happens, in which case you, dear reader, will be the first to know.

This is just eerie:
Your name of Annette gives you a very idealistic but passive outlook on life. You desire culture and all the refinements of life but you are inclined to live in your dreams. Although you would like to do many things, procrastination undermines your accomplishment and success in life. You do not like to create issues and will do anything to avoid a conflict. Making decisions is difficult for you without the support and approval of others. This name gives you a very sensitive nature, making you feel much that you do not understand. Your feelings are easily hurt, at which times you are inclined to withdraw and become uncommunicative. Although you desire the friendship and association of others, you find it difficult to express your thoughts through the spoken word, and others find you hard to get to know. It is much more natural for you to express your deeper thoughts in writing. Inner tension can deplete your physical vitality. You are inclined to indulge in rich foods that lack proper nourishment. The physical weaknesses due to this name centre in the heart and respiratory organs, and in the fluid functions.

I had a nice weekend. Unfortunately, the whole time I was thinking about how I'm going to have to go back to school in a week. There's a lot going through my head, and I just want to sort it out.
For one, I've realized that it means a lot for me to be independent from my parents. I hate feeling like I'm still a kid at this point in my life, and that's what I feel like when I spend time with my parents. So far, I've managed to be semi-financially-independent from them. A scholarship pays for tuition, and I've worked and saved enough to stay afloat at this student apartment. My parents do pay for books and tuition over the scholarship amount, car insurance and car repairs, as well as paying for things when I go out with them, i.e. to the movies or restaurants. I guess I'm not that independent from them- I take gifts from them all the time, and I don't feel guilty about it. But I hope that when I finally graduate that I will be able to cut the ties and be totally financially independent.
Another thing I've been thinking about is religion. I've had doubts about Christianity in the past, but doing some research into the subject, I'm putting those doubts to rest. I've just decided that even if I don't understand everything in the Bible or if it has been misinterpreted, it does not matter because the main message is clear, and I believe this to be true: Jesus Christ is the son of God who came to earth to die for the sins of the world. And I don't know about other religions, about how God will judge followers of other religions, but I've just decided that in my own life, putting my faith in Jesus is the only way for me to get to heaven.

The longer I am out of school the less I want to go back. I would rather watch old episodes of Felicity than study computer architecture :).
My dad called today. I think he thinks that I'm a total nut and that I'm going to commit suicide one day. To be honest I'm kind of mad at him and if I confide in him it's not because I trust him, it's because there is no one else.
I just saw Two Weeks' Notice and I really didn't like the ending. How many rich people do you see giving up their millions these days? Not many. And it would be great if a smart, moral, pretty woman were really favored over beautiful but not-so-smart, not-so-conscientious woman, but is that reality? Or even if that happened, what happens when a couple years later the creep cheats on her with some tramp?
I am becoming bitter and cynical, a grouchy old woman at the age of 20.

I officially quit my job today. I was kind of sad about it, but let's face it, I'm no good at it anyway and it's not helping me get a better job later. But I will miss the people I met there. And, yes, the $50 a week will be missed also. Hopefully greater things await.