I saw B--- at church today. He was playing bass guitar. I had every intention of going up to him and talking to him after church, but unfortunately, he got up to pray with the mission team and my family left, so that was the end of that. But there is still hope for me- next week. Until then I can think about what I will say to him- hi, how are you, what have you been doing lately? In an alternate version, I say, I love you, I've had a crush on you since I was in seventh grade, will you marry me, then kiss him and run away and never come back. I think I'll probably stick to the first version, but maybe I'll kiss him anyway ;).

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
Those are some strong words. I know they are true, too. Simple to say, not so easy to follow. It's saying that religion is not a "part of my life"- it is my life. Loving God is the purpose of my life.

Happiness is finding a pair of extremely comfortable black leather sandals for $1 at a garage sale. I swear, they were exactly my size and fit like a dream. I felt like Cinderella.
I saw Minority Report today. Tom Cruise, how do I love thee. Great movie.
I think I'm ready to move out of the house. I don't care what it takes. Nothing would make me happier right now. I call it a declaration of independence. I have the money, I have the maturity, so I say, let's do it. I can't see anything better that I want to spend money on. Maybe I can finally start acting like a grown-up.

Thinking back on my life...........I never would have thought I would be the way I am now. Maybe things would have been different if I had done certain things differently. Maybe if I had been an English major or something I would be tons happier than I am now. Or what if I had decided to go get a job and not go to college? Or if I had gone to live out in the boonies somewhere? Maybe I wouldn't be so analytical about everything. Ignorance is bliss. I've turned into a gym freak, the kind I always used to make fun of in high school. I never thought it would happen to me, that I would turn into this tense, wired, compulsive person. I used to wonder about how obsessive-compulsive people got that way. Let's just say that I don't wonder anymore.

Today kind of sucks. Got stood up for lunch- not fun. Went to the gym even though I really didn't want to because my legs are really sore. Then a quiz in assembler lab. Got home after a lonely lunch, had to pick up little sis, then did the dishes because the kitchen is a damn mess, and of course, no one in this house can be troubled to get off their lazy asses to do chores. Now off to work in about ten minutes. And a 7 AM meeting tomorrow. Yippee. Plus the sky is overcast and that always puts me in a bad mood.

I checked out a Judy Blume book from the library on Wednesday. I can't believe what a loser I am- I'm 20 and reading Judy Blume. But there's something comforting about her books, like going back to a time when adolescence was a mystery to me.

The counselor I talked to today was very nice as I blabbed on and on about my petty troubles- not petty to me, of course, but trivial to just about everyone else. Anyway, I was happy that I decided to make the appointment. She even gave me a CD with relaxation techniques on it- very cool.
Today at work I managed to knock over the tray containing all the bottles of slush juice while I was mopping. Watermelon, green apple, and bubble gum syrup flew everywhere. I swear, I'm going to get through one day without creating some stupid disaster at work. No wonder I'm anxious all the time.

Yesterday the sun turned red. If that isn't an omen, I don't know what is. It's the apocalypse, I just know it.
Today I'm going to a counselor to deal with some of my "pressing emotional problems" and "chronic anxiety". I've always thought counselors were kind of wacky, but I think I just need to talk more than anything else. I don't want medication or extensive therapy, I just want someone I can verbalize my anxieties to without feeling like a fool. I figure it can't hurt and it might help.

I feel cranky and tired today. At work I felt like some crazy robot on overload trying to do more tasks than one person could possibly accomplish. Now my crazy relatives are coming over for dinner. I worry that one day I will become as crazy as my aunts. One is a total shopping nut. The others are just wacky in their own way, and gathered all together, they have very funny and strange conversations. Maybe I don't want to grow up to be like them, but they're family, and they're fun to be around, for short amounts of time anyway.
I got a 100 on my test! :) Congratulations to myself!

Another crazy day in the world of Annette. I think if I told anyone what my days were really like, they would think I was a total weirdo. Which I don't dispute. I got up before 5 am, looked at my degree plan for fall semester and checked to see when I was supposed to register (July something). Then I started studying for my test on Monday. Then I took a break and went out to get the newspaper, which I read until 7 am, then I had a healthy bowl of generic Grape Nuts even though I wasn't hungry from my binge fest the night before. I watched TV for an hour then shaved my legs and showered and got ready for church. After church, I took a small nap then out to lunch with Dad. Then I watched Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, a not altogether bad movie, with Granny. Got back, checked my work schedule, then had a milkshake. Had dinner even though I still wasn't hungry. Then went to the grocery store to buy the "healthy food" I'm supposedly going to eat this week.
I'm trying to go back to the disciplined life, but I am finding it extremely hard.

I just came back from Barnes and Noble's. Picture this: me, sitting at the counter, sipping a tall coconut mocha frappuccino, reading Laura Doyle's The Surrendered Single. The advice in that book is priceless, I swear it is worth its weight in gold. From what(little) I know about men, I think her tips are right on target. Now just to get up the nerve to follow them. I think my problem with relationships is that I make a little effort then decide that they are more trouble than they're worth. Sometimes I think about joining a convent so I won't have to bother with romantic relationships with MOTOS ever again. Then I see some hot guy and I'm like, wow, wouldn't I like some of that? But seriously, I have thought about becoming a nun. I've always been the quiet, thoughtful type, and I believe in God and his love for the world. I think a life dedicated to public service would be very fulfilling, and deprivation of worldly pleasures doesn't bother me very much.
So I suppose that explains some of my conflicted feelings about socialization. Dealing with people often involves manipulation, and the "nun" inside me detests that. Also, people can be so awful, so self-centered, it can make me sick to hear them talk. However, I do believe that God wants us to love one another, and if that means accepting other people as they are, then so be it. And I want intimacy and togetherness, and a family eventually, and shutting myself off to that would probably make me very unhappy in the long run.

The joys of family. I've come to the realization that I really don't like my sister. That is to say, she's not the kind of person I would pick as a friend. She's a "priss", I'm more a tomboy. I think she's totally spoiled and lazy. But I still love her, and there are things we share that are so deep that nothing will ever change them. Who else will remember the time she spilled ink all over my bedspread and tried to clean it up with Clorox? Who else will be around to reminisce about trips to Grandma's house? Siblings prove that given the same parents and the same relative background, people can still have incredibly different personalities.
Family = roots. Family reminds you of where you come from, for better or for worse.

I really like my new lab partner. He's nice and he knows a good amount about computers. Maybe he's not really my type, but I think he's kind of cute. It makes assembler programming a little more enjoyable, and that's a good thing.
I want to go see Minority Report tomorrow. Maybe I'll go with my mom and Brian, or maybe I'll go by myself if all else fails.

I'm sticking to my diet so far and it doesn't suck as much as I thought it would. It feels empowering not to be a slave to food. I figure if I can stick to my diet plan the rest of the week, I'll reward myself with one Starbucks caramel frappuccino on Saturday. That has to be the most awesome drink concoction known to man. It's good motivation.
I kept on bumping into my boss today at work. It's really unavoidable in the tiny little kitchen space at Sonic. It got kind of embarrassing. I always feel awkward telling people they are in my way. I always think that they will be offended, even though of course that is not my intention at all. I think it underscores the fact that I am really not a touchy-feely kind of person. I rarely touch people as far as hugging or holding hands. I envy people who are, though. I wish I had friends that I always greeted with a little hug, or could feel comfortable playing with someone's hair or anything like that. Something tells me that I never will.

I'm making a new start, and it feels good. I ran three miles today, and it is getting easier every time I run. I'll lose this weight in no time.
I saw S---- at the computer lab today- twice. But now I'm even more uneasy trying to start a conversation. I know I must look so awful. I don't want to try for something that I know I'll never get. I'm just going to try not to think about it.

Further proof that food does not equal love: Tonight I stuffed my face with cake and ice cream, two bananas, cereal, and a flurry from McDonald's then topped it off with two Hostess snowballs and a Big Gulp. Shortly thereafter I found myself with my nose two inches from toilet water, trying to force myself to vomit. I'll never binge eat again. I mean it this time. This is a turning point. I have got to stop this. I'm tired of this rollercoaster and I'm getting off while there's still time. I'm going to lose this weight and start living the right way. I'll say it again: I'll NEVER binge again. NEVER. As long as I live. Just like I won't do drugs or drink. I'll NEVER do this to myself again. DANGER. This is dangerous behavior. I have been playing with fire. I swear to God on the Bible. NEVER AGAIN. NEVER. EVER.

This morning I made an appointment to see a counselor. I basically want one session to sort some things out, mostly things I can't talk about with my parents. The thing is, my life is actually going pretty well right now. I'm taking a summer school class which I enjoy and I have a low-stress job. I'm over my eating disorder. The things I want to sort out now: family stuff, social anxiety issues, existential loneliness (where did that come from?).
Is it crazy to spend an hour a day exercising? I think I may be taking this exercise thing to an unhealthy level.

This weekend I thought about a concept I had kept out of my mind for the longest time: mortality. Meaning the transitory nature of this life and the immortal nature of God. I went hiking on Saturday, and just being in the mountains made the problems of society seem very small in comparison, and my own personal problems seem positively miniscule. Contact with ancient things like mountains makes all things human seem young and new. The mountains were here long before humans appeared on earth and will be here long after all humans have ceased to exist.
Then there was Pastor S----'s sermon on the nature of God's love. God is love. God = Love. Unconditional love- isn't that what everyone is looking for? Unless, of course, God doesn't exist and people have just made all this stuff up so they won't feel so alone. Viewing this objectively, my mind says that is probably the case. But my lonely heart resonated with joy when he said that, despite what my mind believes, and I felt that maybe there is a God after all. I started crying and I ran out to the car. Suddenly it seemed clear as dawn- love- that's the hole in my life. I'm sad because I don't have love in my life.
So what's the point of this? Tying these two episodes together, it is that, if mountains seem immortal, then God is more immortal still. Human lives pass away and mountains remain, and when the mountains pass away, God will remain. Scary stuff. Poorly worded, but a deep thought. A deep thought clumsily expressed.

I am so tired and I feel like a total failure right now. I munched on some tortilla chips. Bad, bad. Plus I'm a total social outcast, and a nervous wreck, plus I look ugly and like a total nerd, and I'm a gym freak, and no one likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I'll go eat worms.
I hate my family. They are all acting like jerks right now. I can't stand my parents. I just totally disagree with their values system.

ANXIETY. I think I was born to worry. About everything. Every damn detail of my life. How much Coke should I fill this styrofoam cup with? Should I say hi to this girl I've known for a year? Should I watch this stupid rerun of Friends? Should I eat this piece of chicken? When does it end? The worry never stops.
It's an obsession, an endless cycle of mind torture, and it absolutely controls my life, like a tyrant in my mind, like Big Brother who's always watching what you do and what you say. So, Annette, does Big Brother approve of what you're doing right now?

I love the gym. Just put me on that exercise bike and I'm in heaven....OK maybe not heaven. More like hell, but the good kind of hell. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

A routine day at the office for me: assembler lecture and lab, then off to work in the afternoon. My sisters started fighting after the younger one got left at driver's ed class and had to walk home in 100-degree heat.
Made a banana split and cake sundaes today at work. Talk about sinful. I think it is sinful to have so many calories concentrated in one place! Sinful but oh so delicious.
I tossed my Time magazine into the recycle bin without reading one article. I could care less about the state of the world today.
I am getting so obsessed with this guy in my CS class. I see him every day and I am obsessed with him for no apparent reason. He's not even that hot. I think he's starting to catch on, maybe because he's caught me staring at him a couple of times. I've come to see crushes as a part of life- they burn bright for awhile and eventually fade away with time. I saw this incredibly hot guy from matrix algebra at the gym the other day. Now that guy really has an awesome body, and he's totally smart and cool, too, but for some reason I'm not obsessed with him like I am with S------. But like I said, those things come and go, and you just have to wait them out.

Had lunch with Eibsee today. I was almost sure she had forgotten about me- I searched for her for about 5 minutes in the Union before I found her. But she was there. I'm afraid, just so afraid of everything. Afraid of rejection- there, I said it.
I've decided that my mom has become a bum. She's not working this summer, just improving the yard. She takes a nap every afternoon.
I spent the afternoon making a friendship bracelet and watching Oprah.
I feel like my life is finally my own again. In a way, that's scarier than when I was brought to my knees by depression and my parents just kind of took over my life. The possibilities are open again, and I have no excuse for not going out and doing things. Seize the day, right? Oh, but life has a way of scaring us out of it.

Life sucks today. I feel so out of it. I feel so lonely.........Plus I'm fat and ugly.......No more ice cream to cure my troubles.......
My dad and I went to a Unitarian church today. It was a little New-Agey for my tastes.
For some reason, I've been grappling a lot with spiritual issues lately. I went hiking with my dad last week and we started talking about churches (which is probably why he invited me to go to this church). Then, when I went to see Mr. Jones' shop, his wife invited me to this college-age Bible study (which I didn't go to). And then I visited this blog that had something to say about belief in God and/or self. So religion has somehow been inserting itself into my life. As far as what I believe, I really don't know anymore. I'm not a fundamentalist, nor a New Age religionist, or a Unitarian. I've been flirting with the idea of atheism- but that is just so sad to think about. It's a depressing way to view life. Is religion real- or just an "opiate for the masses?" If there is anybody out there who reads this and has even a passing interest in religion, plleeeeeaseeeeeee e-mail me. I need help. I'm going to die.

Chocolate milkshake = heaven.
I'm tired of living in this world. I wish I could die just to get it over with. I don't want anymore disappointment or humiliation or sadness or meaninglessness. I don't want anymore mindlessness or stupidity. I die a little everyday, I just want to speed up the process and not drag it out into the torturous misery that it is. I wish I could just stay in my world forever, my solitary little corner of the world, and never come out. I want to eat ice cream all day and pretend that other people don't exist.
My family is seemingly too busy watching big-screen TV and eating like barnyard animals to care about anything else. What value is there really in a large-screen TV? Does having a bigger TV screen somehow make people's lives happier and more fulfilled? I'm sick of society and its excesses, where more always equals better. I'm tired of rich kids who pretend they've had such hard lives, and I've come to detest the comfortable world I grew up in. I'm frustrated with myself. Life = food. Something is wrong with that equation.

The TV is here. I must say it is a technological marvel.

Stuff, stuff, and more stuff. My mom bought a new, bigger TV, presumably so she can watch even more tube, as if that is possible. I'm disgusted with the idea. I'm having some serious life philosophy issues, so bear with me. My mother- I love her, but sometimes I just want to tell her to get her act together- don't buy stuff you don't need, eat healthier, don't watch so much TV, get off those antidepressants, talk more to your kids. The kind of advice I should be giving myself, really.
None of my pants fit me anymore, not even the baggiest, saggiest ones in the back of the closet. Someone help me, please.

My life is pathetic. When did I become so serious? I've concluded that people don't like to hang out with me because I'm too serious. Honestly, I wouldn't even want to be friends with me. I try to make conversation, then I'm so embarrassed when I say something stupid that I never speak up again, then that's even worse because then I'm just "that quiet girl." Also, sometimes I think I just come off as a big know-it-all.
Example: me with C and N
N: Let's go to Walgreens.
C: OK.
We all get in N's truck. I sit in the back. C and N have this somewhat involved conversation about their family members. I stay quiet for a very long time and say something occasionally, but usually feel like an idiot after I've said it. Everything I say seems to be a variation on "Nice weather, today, huh?" - a very obvious, safe comment, doesn't reveal personal information, factual, boring. I talk a lot about school. C and N laugh and act silly, but somehow I can't pull it off.
At work today, I saw this girl put her finger in somebody's chocolate sundae.
While I was eating tacos for dinner, I saw this extremely tall guy walk through the restaurant. My dad and I actually stopped our conversation for a moment because we were so surprised at how tall he was.
I saw S-- twice today, but of course, I did not say anything to him, no way, no how, especially not today.

Bad day today. What an incompetent fool I am! That's being a bit harsh. But truly today I felt so out of it, and those feelings from high school of being a loser misfit came flooding back. I kept getting the drink orders wrong, and I just felt like I was a third wheel and a boring, ugly computer nerd. I don't really like my life right now. I want something more than I have right now.

I feel like today is a day I've already worn in. It's cloudy, and I'm so happy to be at home. I got home a few minutes early from work, and my mom had made dinner, and it was really good. I had dinner and a Dr. Pepper. Now I'm just being lazy and relaxing. I got no sleep last night. Today is a day to be comfortable and to sleep and relax and pretend that my troubles don't exist.

Here I am at UTEP in the computer science lab, playing around to make the time pass by. Disco Sweat- now that's what I call awesome.

I am everything I was afraid of becoming: fat, lazy, ugly, apathetic about my personal appearance, just going through life mindlessly, my goal being to get through another week. I eat cookies and chips like crazy and drink a lot of soda pop. My evenings are spent watching TV. The thing is, I know there's so much more out there, so many wonderful things, yet I feel stuck here. Why, oh, why?
I spent about an hour and a half just sitting around talking with Norma and Crystal from my CS class. Even in college, people still act like kids. I don't know what I expect- for people to just act like work robots when they reach age 20?
At work, this chica kicked my butt today. She knows how to boss people around. Actually, nearly everything she said was true and helpful. Still, it made me uneasy to have someone constantly watching my back. I know that lately I've become a wreck. I've wrecked my body and my life, it seems. Well, try again tomorrow.

I got back from my former teacher's house/country store very happy that I decided to make the trip. I didn't see much of Mr. J---, but his wife was very nice and, what's more, she actually remembered me! She is an incredible woman. I've never met a person who makes homemade bread from fresh-ground flour or weaves rugs from homemade wool thread. She demonstrated how to make a rug out of old rags. Talk about self-sufficient. She also home-schools eight children. Everything in the shop was handmade and very pretty, and so I bought about ten dollars worth of stuff. Overall, it was a memorable trip. Like I've said in my previous posts, I think there's something to be said for living in the country. It feels so much more natural than this high-strung urban existence. As strange as it may sound, I can imagine myself being happy weaving rugs all day out in the middle of nowhere, even though I'm not going to drop out of school and join a commune just yet. But I think time out in the country keeps me sane and prevents me from becoming an obsessive-compulsive zombie.

The Eagles concert yesterday was, in a word, awesome. Three hours, thirty songs, four original members, an altogether great concert. Hotel California- that was the best.
Today's my day off, so I'm driving out to the country to visit my sixth-grade teacher. I've often thought that I was meant to live on a farm or something. I always feel at home in rural places. Today it seems people are more and more disconnected from nature, and I honestly think that is the reason everyone seems to be so depressed.

Live different. I've come to the realization that I was simply meant to live differently from the people around me. I'm not saying I'm better than anybody else, I'm just saying that I want different things out of life than most people, at least in this town. I've come to just accept this and no longer will I apologize for being the way I am. I'm not competing with other people for how good or smart or popular I am. Maybe I currently live a simple, unsophisticated existence, but that's pretty much OK with me right now.

Started summer school today. Guess who's in my class? S----- W, only the cutest, smartest guy in my Data Structures class last semester. I even got to talk to him before class! Too bad I look like this. Maybe we could go out or something. Yeah, right, not in a million years, even if I looked decent. But a girl can dream, right? I mostly just want to have fodder for my fantasies. Well, maybe we can be friends and talk about the joys of assembler programming.

I have a new favorite drink: vanilla Coke, an absolutely delicious caffeinated concoction.
I keep seeing people I know from a long time ago. At church today I saw Boot, my first major crush. We were both really into the church youth group in junior high. I liked him because I thought he was cute and sensitive and he played the guitar. Now he's totally chubby and he looks like a bum, but I still want to go up and ask him what he's been up to since 7th grade.
Seeing him makes me want to see Jeff, the "youth leader" at the time. I wonder what he would think about me, all grown up. He's probably about 30 by now with a life of his own. Maybe he's married and has kids! Actually, knowing him he's probably still trying to finish his college degree. I'm the same age now he was as youth group leader 8 years ago. That's an amazing thought. I think I had a little crush on him, too, even though I would never admit it to myself at the time. It was something about his curly hair and how he would always act like such a dork. I actually got to be close with him, probably as close as I get to anybody. He knew a lot about my problems, and he was the only one who asked what was wrong when my parents got divorced when I was 14.
Also, today at lunch I saw Chris Cook, this shockingly red-headed guy from sophomore English class. He used to work at McDonald's and once some girl made a comment that he should be Ronald McDonald.
I'm wearing a new blue and white checker shirt today, and two people have given me compliments on it. It was nice. Then again, it might be because it contrasts to my usual uniform of very worn, tight jeans and a wrinkled blue t-shirt.
I start summer school tomorrow. Whoopee! just kidding. Assembler language programming. That sounds extremely boring. I think that has to be the king of boring, tedious programming languages. Ten wonderful weeks of assembler. I'm excited. Plus work at Sonic, the number-one drive-in restaurant chain in America. Life is exciting. I'm definitely going places.